Sometimes I wonder if there is an alternate universe...if at 8:00 am on June 1st, if the worlds split and there is a place somewhere where the story was completely different. Where at 9am there was a strong heartbeat and we went and got into the birthing tub to get more comfortable. Where we listened and swayed to music, as I sang to you, just like I always did. Where those contractions got stronger and stronger...I can see myself telling your daddy how much they hurt, and him telling me how strong I am. sometime in the early afternoon realizing that you were going to be here very soon, and finding every bit of strength I could muster to push you out...and then, a blessed miracle, hearing you cry, not just cry...hearing you scream. Holding you and crying, smelling you, kissing you...telling you I would never let you go. And then they would weigh you, "Wow!" They would say, "What a big baby...a healthy 10lbs 6 oz.!" All the while you would be squirming, wanting back into mama's arms. I would feed you and look down on your beautiful face and feel all this love for you, but be able to show you how much I love you. I would cry and cry, but tears of joy.
Then, I would call everyone, but this would be to tell them you were here, and they would congratulate and ask how you were...and we would have told them that everything is wonderful and that you were perfect.
In this Universe, we would have taken you home with us, and showed you your bed...and changed your little diapers and introduced you to all your new family. That night, you would have woken up to eat a lot, I am sure. And I may have even complained, not imagining what I could have lost.
Now, you would be almost 8 weeks old, and we would still be celebrating you...measuring you, watching you grow and loving you more and more everyday...
But, if there is another Universe, where you didn't die...I got left in the one where you did. And instead, we prepare to leave and go home without you, with only your memory and a few pieces of clothing I can't bear to leave behind. But not loving you any less...in fact, loving you and missing you more.
:( I love you Reese hunny.
ReplyDeleteI know it is very hard but try to think about all the wonderful things that happened with Maya there. :) She got so big this summer. She is such a beautiful little girl now. :D Not a toddler anymore at all. I LOVED this age with my daughter Jessi. She was my living breathing little barbie doll. lol Playing with her at that age made me fall in love with dress up all over again. Omg the tea parties. I think that is what those snowball cupcakes were invented for :P She is so open right now to being taught all the wonderful things about what it means to be a girl. You have so much power right now for she is like a lil sponge. This is where she will start remembering what is happening in her little life for all her years to come.Cherish every minute. For me, it was over way too soon.