New Babies

So, I am seeing a counselor now, and at my appointment this week he asked me to think about the idea of "New Babies" and what they mean to me...so I thought I would share a blog post.

For me, new babies are hope. They are the perfect idea of miracles, and love and absolute perfection bundled into soft, sweet smelling skin, and cuddly cuteness. They remind me that life is precious and that there is still good in the world. Because if there wasn't, those little bundles of joy wouldn't exist.

Some may say, "Isn't it hard to see babies and be around them, knowing that you are on the losing end?", and maybe for a moment, I am sad about all that I have lost...but then I look into those little eyes, and I melt. There is such a beautiful innocence...this child has never known suffering (I hope), has never known loss or utter desperation. This baby has a clean slate, a world of possibilities, and an endless supply of love.

And then, in that moment, I am reminded that even though bad things happen, look at all of the wonderful things that out number them. Life really is good...

I know this is what my little Mateo would want me to remember...and so in remembering, I honor him.

Perspective

So, I have really had to work hard to find perspective lately in the realm of stillbirth. I realized that when you read so many bad stories, and hear so many sad endings, you forget that even though stillbirth is not as rare as we once believed, it is also not the norm.

Every time I find out someone is pregnant I cringe, and then I pray and hope for a happy ending. Now, I am sure that there is nothing wrong with wanting a happy ending, but I realize that I keep assuming the worst, because I now know what the worst is. The thing is, that life is such a miracle, because the chances of something happening are low. Just because something can go wrong, doesn't mean that it will.

It is very hard for me, being a statistic, and experiencing the worst scenario, to remember that fear is not always necessary...this is the reason every doctor doesn't worry constantly about each patient, and the reason that every pregnant woman is not in tears always about every possible problem...because chances are, everything will be just fine.

Does that mean we should take chances with our health? No, but making informed decisions, and doing our best is usually all that is necessary to ensure a positive outcome.

Sometimes, things still go wrong. I am living proof, that you can do everything right, and still not have a happy ending, but that is how life works. We never know what will happen, and we can't live all of our lives afraid. (I also know that sometimes it is someone else's fault that things happen, that is a different situation.)

So I have to remember to look at the big picture, and give myself a healthy dose of perspective.

Birth and Death are two separate events...

I have been thinking about this a lot...since Mateo's Memorial service actually. Rev. Michele read some of the poem "The Dash", which I had concerns about having read at the service. This poem talks about someone who speaks at a funeral referring to the dates on the tombstone of a friend, and says that the dates are not what matters most, but the dash between them. Reverend Michele stopped there and said that for Mateo, it seems that there is no dash, actually on his tombstone, there is only one date, but that just because he had never taken a breath of air does not mean that he didn't live.

He did live, for 41 full weeks. He kicked and turned, and punched and elbowed me...we would watch him suck him hand and kick his little legs at our Ultrasounds. He practiced his breathing and grew every day to be able to be able to continue to survive in this world, but him only living in the womb, didn't make him any less ALIVE.

I am pointing this out because there are always two events that are major in our lives. One is birth, we have all experienced it, from one side or another. It is a miracle that we are alive. We not only survived throughout the entire pregnancy of our mothers, we also survived birth, and every hazard that this world presented us with. Whether you believe in God, or not, it is still a miracle that we are here. Look at all the things that are against us everyday...and everyday, we wake up breathing...

And then there is death...this completely mysterious thing that so many fear all of their lives. That fear can be all encompassing, yes, there are those that cannot live for fear of death. And, then others work through that fear and live our passions and our lives with wild abandon. But, the majority of people live somewhere in the middle...afraid of death, but not really comfortable with it. They know that bad things happen, but when they do, they don't know what to say or how to deal with it. They feel bad, but they don't want to think to hard or long about that fact that those things could happen to them.

We are so afraid of death, because with the theories and all the ideas about death that we have...we really don't understand it at all. We hope that there is something out there, and want to always think that our loved ones are watching out for us. I do believe that they are, but everyone believes something different.

We struggle so much with these life events, but really they are the same. You can't have one without the other, and once you experience the first one, it is just a countdown to the second.

So what do you do with your countdown, with your dash? Have you let your fear, and your doubt, keep you from living the life that you want? I have...there was a time when I was so afraid of dying that I was frozen in fear. But every death of a loved one that I experience, somehow helps me step out a little more. I don't know how much I have here. It could be a year, or it could be 40 more. Today I will live my life with wild abandon...I will love more, and give more. Because when I do die, I want my legacy to be love...

I am not afraid anymore...I know that I am loved here, and I have so much love waiting for me there...that there is nothing left to be afraid of.

Stillbirth makes me feel like a loser...

I hate to say it is such simple terms...but there are a lot of thoughts that I am broken...I know that those thoughts are irrational, but that doesn't stop me from having them. I have even had thoughts that my son thought I was going to be a bad mom, so he left me. Especially since I have my own abandonment issues, this kind of thing brings up all sorts of emotions. I know that these things are ridiculous, but part of me still fears that they are true. Is this God's way of telling me I am a bad mother and I deserve any more children? Is this proof that I am a good mother to a daughter, but a bad mother to a son? Maybe my body can only carry girls to full term...somehow boys are not the same and my body is broken in that sense? I even thought for a few minutes right after it happened, that it was punishment for not paying my tithes....I kept thinking, "What thing could I have done, that was so bad, that I deserved this?"

Trying to find a why, and not finding one can be very hard. Especially since we all want to know why. "Your baby is perfect, and your body is perfect, and there wasn't anything wrong...oh, except your baby isn't alive." Doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. If he had a disorder, or some sort of growth issue, or a disease no one knew about...but "nothing" is so hard to take. It is also sometimes hard to stay away from jealousy..."Why do other people get happy endings, but somehow, I don't"

This is where I try very hard to distinguish between grief, and victim-hood. I am allowed to be sad, but allowing my grief to make me a victim, will only make me feel worse, and it will make other people not want to continue to support me. I think there is a huge difference between coming to terms with something, and not allowing yourself to move on. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone grieves differently, and only I know what this place is for me...but I really want to make sure I stay on this side of the fence, if you know what I mean?

I have had to make sure that I don't keep Mateo's things in front of me all the time, I have his picture and his bear on a shelf in my closet, but I don't keep them prominent in my room or in my living room. It isn't that I want to forget him, I never could, but I know that if I force myself to look at his photo everyday, or to see his baby things, I won't be able to keep going. I try very hard to allow myself certain times to think of him and what happened, so that I don't just lose it at inopportune times. (Although that always can't be helped) I know that this sounds like I am managing my pain and grief, and in a way I am. I need to keep going and be a mom to Maya and keep doing what I need to do, and so I try to give myself what I need, without thinking about it all the time, so that I don't get lost in it.

The hardest thing for me now is the anger...I have gotten more angry as time goes on. I am starting counseling so that I can talk about a lot of this, and see if I can't let go of some of this anger as well...I hope that helps.

So this is my life right now...what I am going through and thinking...tomorrow will be a new day, with new feelings and we will see what those are when the sun comes up again. Everyday is a different adventure.

Until then...

Thank you...

There are days where I don't want to get out of bed...and days when I don't know if I can go on. Part of me wishes I could just sleep forever, so that I can dream of a life where I have my son...but I get up every day because there are people who love me, and believe in me, and know that I can make it. Thank you for being those people.

I love you...

Remembering you in everything I do...

I haven't been told that I should forget you...but that I must accept that you are gone. I guess this is true because I think I spent the first month trying to wake up from my nightmare. After that I realized that I couldn't...that this was now real life...and now, I strain to remember what it felt like when you kicked me...I have to go back and look at what your little nose looked like. I guess it is inevitable that I will forget some things, and others I will never forget. But, no matter what I do, I will never forget about you. I think of you ever moment...when I am out, I think about how you would look in your sisters arms, or about how I would be taking a hundred photos of you cooing and smiling. Maya asks about you almost everyday, she wants to hold you, and touch your face. I always tell her that we can't hold you, and she says, "okay", but I know she won't understand for a long time.

I still touch my stomach sometimes and remember you there...I guess I always will...I still love you, we all do.

There is only love...

Sometimes when I am lost for words, I just remember to love. Love is the answer to every question...and sometimes there is so much evidence that we are not remembering it, or that we have forgotten completely that it is what we all need. No matter what we are going through, no matter what stresses or pain or problem we are experiencing at the moment...pure love will always heal.

Today is a day to remember all those children that have been lost to pregnancy and infant loss. Today is a day of pure love...not just a day feel sorry for the families, but a day to acknowledge the lives of their children, no matter when they died. To know that however short their precious lives, they still lived...they were still born, and that it is completely acceptable to say their names, and to talk about them. Their lives are made more beautiful by it, and their families are honored by the remembering of others. In fact, they feel loved that way.

Today, say the name of a child that has been lost too soon, send love to the families of those children and know that love prevails...and the world is made more peaceful because of it.

Love to you all, always.

Cerise

C-sections...

So, recently I have been seeing a lot, and hearing a lot about scheduled c-sections, I just wanted to share my experiences and thoughts in a little post.

So, many of you know that Maya was delivered by scheduled c-section, due to her size and the fact that I had gestational diabetes, and she could get very big. They thought she was going to be a few pounds heavier than she was, and so we planned a c-section for my due date. She was born at 9 pounds even, and although that is bigger than some babies, I felt a little cheated out of the whole birthing experience, and carried a lot of anger for a long time about it.

Fast forward a few years and my pregnancy with Mateo was more than perfect...no problems, no gestation diabetes, no high blood pressure, no anything out of the ordinary...he was even measuring a little small at the ultrasounds...so there was no reason to plan a c-section with him. We even had a separate doctor that we were seeing who was making sure we were making all the right decisions in regards to the VBAC, and would check to make sure there wasn't anything preventing it. There never was...

So after a somewhat high risk pregnancy, and a c-section, we realized that it may have been un-necessary, but we were grateful to have a healthy baby in our arms. And then, after this beautiful, perfect pregnancy, without any problems what-so-ever, I had a successful VBAC...but my son didn't live.

I have heard a lot of comments (Not to me, personally, but about other mothers' losses) "If only she had a c-section, she would have a healthy baby."

I know that many people have thought that about our story, and I have thought it myself many, many times. It may be true, maybe if I had a c-section, I would be holding my baby. But, it may not be true either...we don't know what would have happened.

A healthy person, who is in great shape, who runs every day, and then all of a sudden dies of a heart attack, wouldn't have known that could happen, so how could he have prevented it. We don't live in hospitals just in case our kids get sick. We don't stay home everyday afraid, just in case we are going to get into an accident. That isn't how life works.

It is very easy to look back and say that we would change decisions we have made, hind sight is 20/20...but we all make decisions everyday with the best intentions in mind. Every baby loss mother that I know did the best she could with what she had. I have friends now that have lost more than most people can imagine...and everyone of them blames them self one way or another. Even when there is no reason to...we are parents and we feel like it is our job to protect our kids, and when we can't...we can't help but take the blame on ourselves...

I made the decision to have a natural birth, because that is what was best for my child and for me. A peaceful birth without drugs or surgeries...so we could have the best chance to bond...a birth with the least amount of harm. And, had one doctor looked at me and said, "You need a c-section" I wouldn't have hesitated...but none ever did. There was never a reason...

I am writing this mostly for those who still take the blame on yourselves for what happened to your babies...whatever the reason. Or for those family or friends of a baby loss parent that you feel could have made a different choice...

We all did the best we could, and no one is supported or healed by blame. Love, is the only answer.

Blessings to every person who reads this,

Cerise

Things don't get better, they get different.

I heard this statement a lot in the beginning of this journey. I didn't really understand it, but assumed I would one day get it. I think I am starting to understand this statement.

Things don't get better...

Well, they do get easier, I guess, but not better. I don't really have moments where I feel amazing, or great, like I used to. I am okay, and I am learning how to keep my emotions in control when I need to. If I start to cry in the store, I can quickly tell myself that there are people around me and I should wait until I am in the car to lose it. I can be around babies, and not feel horrible. I can talk about my son, and my birth experiences without too many tears, and feel comfortable sharing all that information with anyone. More than not having the feelings I had at the beginning, the anger, the rage, the disbelief, the sadness...I have just learned how to manage that and control it better than I did in the beginning.

...They just get different.

This is more true than I realized. I will never be happy that this experience happened, and I will never think that this really was for the best. I will never, in my time on earth, stop missing Mateo. But, things get different. I have learned to live with more compassion, because I never know what that jerk on the highway is dealing with. I have learned to love more openly, because you never know when something can happen and the people in your life will not be there anymore. And above all else, I have learned to be grateful for what is in front of me today, because a bigger house, more money, less debt, and nicer things, will not make me happy. Being skinnier won't take away sadness, and being prettier won't take away regrets. I have learned to be okay with who I am, and to really look at myself with eyes of love.

I have noticed that a lot of people I know who have gone through this feel the same things. And, sadly, sometimes the people in their life don't know what to say, so they often say the wrong things. I want to help those who don't know what to say, to know what may be helpful and isn't. Please know, that if you have already said these things to someone dealing with child loss, it is okay, most of the time we just take the intention and move on. But, here are some suggestions of things to avoid:

1. "Don't worry, you will have more children" - This may not always be the case, and even if it is, that is the furthest thing from our minds in the beginning. We can never replace the child that we lost, and this is very hard to hear while mourning the loss of a baby. **Note: Also, please don't say this to people who are grieving the loss of a pet, it hurts in that situation as well.**

2. "God wanted to have your child with him" - For those who believe in God, this is painful because why would God give you a pregnancy, and then take it away. It sounds so cruel. Second, for those who don't believe in God, it means nothing, and shows that you aren't thinking of them, and what they believe.

3. "It is for the best" - What could be better than a child being alive and living with their parents? How can losing a child be the best thing for someone's life? There is always a silver lining, or some good that come out of things, but to say that this was the best outcome just hurts, and is not compassionate at all.

4. "But you didn't even see a baby, or you weren't very far along" - This is said a lot when there is a miscarriage. As soon as parents find out that they are expecting, they start to bond with the baby. They imagine what it will be like to see their baby for the first time and start to imagine the baby growing, if it will be a boy or girl. They have hopes and dreams, and fears, just like anyone else. When they lose their child, they lose all of those hopes and dreams, and their greatest fears are realized. This grief is very real, and that child not being honored or remembered is terribly sad and hurtful.

5. "It is time to move on, or You should be over this by now", or any variation of this statement. This includes if they have other children before or after the baby they lost. First, every parent grieves in their own time, and there is no right way, or wrong way to grieve. It may take months or years to be able to go out in public, or move out of anger, rage, and especially guilt. Please don't rush grieving parents, just be there to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on. Second, a new baby, or previous children don't erase the memory or pain of losing an individual child. Even and especially including twins or triplets where one or more children pass away. Each child is loved differently and uniquely by their parents and having one child there may give some strength, but can't replace the child/ren they lost.

The best thing you can say is: "I am so sorry for your loss, and am here if you need to talk." This means more than anything you could say to someone, and while nothing can take a way the pain, it helps us know that you are there and that we are not alone.

The very worst thing you can say, even worse than anything listed above, is nothing. To act like nothing happened, or ignore the parents, is the most painful thing a friend can do. There are those who have said absolutely nothing, and for me, there is more anger toward those people, than anyone else, for anything else. It makes a parent feel like those people refuse to acknowledge their child/ren and their friendship means nothing. So please, even if you don't know what to say, say something, or just give a hug. It means the world to us.

I hope this is helpful...

Blessings to you all!

One of those days

So today has been very emotional for me...I am not sure what the trigger was, but I cried a lot today. Maybe I just needed a crying day.

I think a lot of about the moments I will never have, and often feel like I am not supposed to be doing any of this. I often relate it to someone who has been left at the altar. The wedding plans have been made, the guests have been invited, everything is in place, and then the day of celebration turns to a day of utter sadness...All the hopes and dreams, slip away. There are no wedding memories to remember, no honeymoon moments to grieve...all there is to grieve is what might have been. What could have been.

I had a dream a few days before Mateo passed away. In the dream, I had already had him, and was holding him, and feeding him. He was staring up into my eyes, almost smiling. This is the only memory of seeing him look at me that I have, and it was just a dream...I won't ever know if his smile would really look like that, or if his eyes would have looked at me that way...

I know that this sadness will not ever go away, I will never miss him less, and my heart will always have a space where his memory sits...and I know life will go on, and days will get brighter, and things will look better. So, I guess some days are just meant for him to be remembered...some days are just meant to be cried out. Today, was one of those days.

My pain is not unique...

Sometimes it is easy for me to fall into my pain and sadness and think that I am the only one who has ever felt such pain. I was in the store today, in the clearance section and there was a little boy baby book...I saw it and thought to myself, "I will never be able to fill one of those for Mateo. He will never have firsts, or memories, or needs. He won't ever take a step, or fall down. He won't ever have pictures, or hair cuts."

Then, standing in the store, I had to remind myself that my path is not the same as others. Maybe I won't ever raise my son, but there are others who have lost their children also. There are those who have lost their spouses, their friends, their parents, their siblings. Think of all the families of soldiers who have given their lives for our country, the innocent lives that have been lost to war, or famine, or greed, or hate or anger. What about all the fathers, mothers, sons and daughters, who never came home on September 11, 2001. No, I may feel like this pain has never been felt, or that no one knows what I am going through, but sadly, that is not the case.

We all have to face loss, we all have to face pain...we grieve family members who pass, whether they pass of old age, or if they die tragically, way too soon. We have to face death on a daily basis, in the news, in our own lives, and in the lives of others close to us.

So what does this mean for me? Does it take away my pain? No, and it won't take anyone else's pain either, but it reminds me that life is so very short. We never know when our moment will come, or how. So if I am going to live, really live my life, today is all I have. For some this may be scary, it can cause people to be afraid and to stop living their life, out of the fear that tomorrow may never come. Or, it can bring a healthy dose of reality and remind us that this moment is all we have and we have to make the most of it...or whatever time we have on this earth, will be wasted...

I love the lines of the song, "Wasted" by Carrie Underwood:


'Cause I don't wanna spend my life jaded, waiting
To wake up one day and find
That I've let all these years go by...
Wasted

Oh I don't wanna keep on wishing, missing
The still of the morning, the color of the night
I ain't spending no more time...
Wasted

Opportunity...

Instead of asking what can I get today, I should be asking, what can I give.

I sometimes walk around as if the world owes me something. Don't get me wrong, I try not to, but it's only human to think that you have put enough of yourself on the line and it is time to get something in return for all your hard work. Actually, this mindset can be very helpful in not allowing yourself to be a doormat, but day to day, I think it can be more harmful than anything else. This ends up feeding into the mindset of victim-hood.

I have my story, I am a woman, who hasn't always been treated well, my home-life growing up, wasn't perfect and I have a lot of emotional baggage from that. A huge tragedy happened to me when I was 21 and someone very close to me committed suicide, in front of me. Then, after all of the sadness in my life, the worst thing possible happened, my baby died. I gave birth to a baby I knew was gone and held my son in my arms and had to say good-bye to him.

Now here, is where I have to stop and say, I could use this story, to be afraid. I could use it to get sympathy and pity from those who read my story, because it is just so sad. Or, I could use this story to show how strong a person can be, when they need to be. I can tell my story as a symbol of hope for those who are going through tragedy, so that they know they can make it to the other side, without losing complete hope.

Of course, I am sad. Of course, I miss my son. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish he was here. I look at his photo and kiss it every night before bed. And I cry, mostly when no one is looking. Because I am his mommy, to an angel who never gets to grow up. But I am so much more than that. This experience has helped me realize that tragedy can strike anyone, none of us are immune to pain. It is how we overcome our tragedies that make us amazing. It is that, which changes the world.

There is a woman in Brazil, who recently lost her son at 36 weeks gestation. She fought for the birth she knew he deserved. She gave him a beautiful and peaceful birth, and now...even though she has had to bury him, she is pumping milk, his milk, for babies who need it. She is a hero. She is a hero, to those babies, and to all those who hear her story. She doesn't beg for our pity, because pity doesn't change the world. And pity won't bring her son back, nothing can do that. But, her courage and her honor, will make his memory beautiful. It will make her experience profound, instead of just sad.

I want to be a hero for my son, I want him to look down and me and know that his mommy is using her experience to bring more peace, and more love to this world. I want him to be proud of me, just like I want Maya to be proud of me. I can't do that if I just sit around and wait for the pity and the sadness...I have to go out and give love. I have to shine my light into the darkness and bring peace. I have to stand up, and be the change I want to see in the world. And then I can be a hero for my children too, and I can be proud of the mother that I am, and the woman that I have become.