Sunrise...

I always thought that sharing all of me, was one of my weaknesses. That wearing my heart on my sleeve, and loving with everything that I have, and living with wild abandon, meant that I couldn't control my emotions. When I was younger, I would get my heart broken and think that I could never share that much of myself again, and yet, when the time came, I would love that much more, and share that much more of my heart.

I have since come to realize that this is not a weakness, it is a great strength. It is the way that I face the world, with all that I am, and all that I can give. It is why, when I sing, I feel so connected to those who are around me. Why I have the ability to empathize, and sympathize even when I can't know the pain someone else feels. It is why I feel a personal responsibility to help change the world and make it a loving and more beautiful place. It is also why I seek out the hopeless and the lonely and befriend them, and why I have dedicated my life to helping every person that I can, feel loved.

I also see now that it is not just who I am, but a combination of that with my experiences that urge me to give more of me at every turn. Every sadness that I experience, and every joy as well, opens up another part of my  heart to share more, and to be of greater service.

This is my gift, my passion.

And in the wake of such sadness in my life, I am reminded of this burning in my soul, to be of service. To continue to walk this path, using my gifts and changing the world.

It could make me feel more alone, and yet it connects me deeper to the earth and to my fellow brothers and sisters in a way that gives me hope and strength and power. And I remember that I am here to do a great work, and I have yet one more angel, helping me to accomplish it.

Namaste

I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder if there is an alternate universe...if at 8:00 am on June 1st, if the worlds split and there is a place somewhere where the story was completely different. Where at 9am there was a strong heartbeat and we went and got into the birthing tub to get more comfortable. Where we listened and swayed to music, as I sang to you, just like I always did. Where those contractions got stronger and stronger...I can see myself telling your daddy how much they hurt, and him telling me how strong I am. sometime in the early afternoon realizing that you were going to be here very soon, and finding every bit of strength I could muster to push you out...and then, a blessed miracle, hearing you cry, not just cry...hearing you scream. Holding you and crying, smelling you, kissing you...telling you I would never let you go. And then they would weigh you, "Wow!" They would say, "What a big baby...a healthy 10lbs 6 oz.!" All the while you would be squirming, wanting back into mama's arms. I would feed you and look down on your beautiful face and feel all this love for you, but be able to show you how much I love you. I would cry and cry, but tears of joy.

Then, I would call everyone, but this would be to tell them you were here, and they would congratulate and ask how you were...and we would have told them that everything is wonderful and that you were perfect.

In this Universe, we would have taken you home with us, and showed you your bed...and changed your little diapers and introduced you to all your new family. That night, you would have woken up to eat a lot, I am sure. And I may have even complained, not imagining what I could have lost.

Now, you would be almost 8 weeks old, and we would still be celebrating you...measuring you, watching you grow and loving you more and more everyday...

But, if there is another Universe, where you didn't die...I got left in the one where you did. And instead, we prepare to leave and go home without you, with only your memory and a few pieces of clothing I can't bear to leave behind. But not loving you any less...in fact, loving you and missing you more.

7 weeks...

Well, It has been 7 weeks...I have to admit I feel like I am doing somewhat better. I don't feel good, necessarily, but I feel like I am doing better. I can feel the healing and being able to move on a bit. I don't lose it when I see pregnant women or new babies, and I know that life is going on. I still have great moments of sadness, but they are less and less. I still get very angry, but those times are fewer...and somehow part of me feels guilty for being okay, like I loved my little boy less, or not enough, because I can smile and laugh...but I remind myself that it isn't true. It is okay, to be okay...and that doesn't make me miss him less, it just makes me a better mom for my daughter that is here and a better wife to my husband.

Dear Mateito...

I feel bad that it has taken me this long to really talk to you. I talk about you, and think of you every minute, of everyday...but to really talk to you, that I haven't done. I want you to know how much I wanted you, and how happy I was to find out that I was pregnant with you. I had to take the test 3 times before I believed the little pink line on September 12, 2010. I will never forget the day for as long as I live. I told everyone right away, I knew that there was always a chance of losing you in the early days, but I remember thinking that I would rather have everyone rejoice with me, and be there if I lost you, than to lose you and have to cry alone. I still feel that way today. I remember telling your big sister for the first time, that she would have a little baby to help mommy take care of. She never really understood, but she was so happy to have a baby to hold and love, and sing to.

Your daddy and I would have little discussions about whether you were a boy or girl, and I would lovingly remind him that I knew you were a boy, and that I am always right...and he would smile at me, and say, "We will see" I would just laugh...

I would go to my doctors appointments to hear your heartbeat and every time I would cry...my belly would shake and I would have to say sorry to Stephanie and Jen...they would just smile.

I was always worried about eating right, and exercising and making sure that I was perfectly healthy, so you would be too. Your daddy and I joined the gym and started doing water aerobics...I would love the way you would be weightless, while I was in the water. We always had so much fun, you and I.

I remember our last ultrasound, seeing your little face...watching you suck on your hand. I told your dad..."He is going to be one hungry little boy" I could already picture you there, me watching your eyes as I fed you...I could picture Maya's little hand carefully stroking your hair as you ate. We all already loved you so much...we were just waiting for you to come out and show your little face.

And then came the day that we were waiting for, we were in labor...I remember rubbing my belly, telling you not to be afraid through the contractions...we were doing this together, you and I...I promised you that I would never do anything to hurt you...to always do what was best for you...I think back to that day, when I was so carefree, swaying to music and singing to you...not knowing that I was singing you into heaven, dancing you right into God's arms. If I had known, I would have never let you go.

Then things got blurry...hours that felt like minutes, time passed so slowly and so quickly. There was pain, but nothing physical could hurt as badly as knowing that I could never have you...and then there you were...I waited for you to cry, hoping that they were wrong...and then realizing that you really were too beautiful for earth. We held you, memorized you, and then I had to give you back...but all the while I have been holding on...what else can I do.

They tell me that I have to let you go...not your memory, but you Spirit...to let you and I both be free...

I put all the energy of you I had into a beautiful little sleeping bear and took you with me on a journey of the heart. A journey to a magical place, filled with wonder, and peace. The Incas believed that when a loved one dies, the Condor, carries them on his back to the other side. They put the bodies into a fetal position, so that they can be born into heaven...it was perfect...I thought about it all day. How I would leave your energy there...so that you can be free in this most beautiful place...with these amazing mountains all around you forever. So I carefully placed your bear on the back of the Condor and sang you the song I wrote for you...

"I let you live, as the wind in my hair/as the butterfly that gracefully flies through the air/I let you live, as the dreams of my heart/for I know that when you're there you are never far/because I know that I can't just let you go/I let you live"

And I set you free...

Although I will never let you go, I will hold your memory forever, my little Mateo, my only son, I let you live...

I feel bad posting when I am so sad...but this blog is about what I am feeling when I am feeling it...

I feel so strong sometimes...I feel like I can breathe, and that the sadness won't completely overtake me...then something happens and I just don't want to do this anymore.

I don't want this experience, I don't want to learn any lessons...I never took life for granted anyway, I always cherished everything. I don't want to grieve, or cry anymore. I don't want these kinds of sleepless nights. I don't want this pain, or suffering. I just want my baby. I just want to rock him and hold him and feed him and watch him goo and grow and smile and sleep. I would do anything to change that moment, that horrible second where everything changed. I am so angry that I can't...I am more angry that I have no one to blame, not a person or thing I can be angry at. This horrible accident, this moment of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time...I was a handful of hours away from holding him crying in my arms...just a short time from his cord being obsolete...and just before that could happen, it killed him...

I just want my baby...my son, my Mateo. 

How can I serve today...

I have realized that I have a very important purpose on this planet...I have always known it, even when I have temporarily forgotten it. My purpose is to spread love, peace and joy to the world. I usually do this through music, as most of you know, but I am realizing that I have more to give than just that. I have a heart filled with love and I have experiences that can help others who are going through similar things to heal. I also realized that I am so blessed to have a huge support system. I have friends who allow me to call them and cry, who listen and who say the exact thing that I need to hear at the perfect time. These friends send me emails, and love and prayers everyday, and because of that I have never felt more loved than I do today. Because of this love, I have so much love overflowing, that I know I have extra love to share, so that other women and men who are going through this can feel some of this amazing love and know that, while the pain will never go away completely, and we will never forget, we will heal and be able to continuing living our lives knowing that our angels are always with us.

My hope is only to serve...today I choose to use this experience to do that.

The most exclusive club...

I am member of the most exclusive club. It is extremely expensive because it costs all your hopes and dreams. It is a club of women and men who wished and prayed and almost had their dreams come true, only to change at the last moment. A club of silent tears and false smiles and a disconnection from the rest of the world. A club no one wants to join, but are forced to join without really ever knowing this club existed. It is a club where once you join you take the hands of the ones who have joined before you, and you bow your head and cry for them, and they in turn cry for you. Because you now know their pain, and their suffering. You now know their nightmares and their sadness.

No one ever wants to join, and the members pray no one will ever join again, and every day they do. This club has existed for as long as their has been birth, but mostly it is never spoken of. Outsiders can't truly know, because they can't imagine. There is no way to really empathize with the members, because you can't know until you know, and once you know, you become one of us. I want out of this club, but as they say, you can check out anytime you want, but you can't ever leave.

So here we stand, together, a group of parents stronger than the world ever knew, watching the skies, for rainbows and butterflies...hoping one day to hold angels in our arms again.

Today we let his body go...

Today is the funeral for our little angel Mateo. We will be letting his body go, but holding him forever in our hearts. I am so filled with emotions. I am scared and angry, but above all, I am sad. I am sad that I am having this experience. I don't want to bury my baby, I want to raise him and watch him grow and cover him with kisses. But, this is my experience, and I have to accept it, so that I can grieve. It is interesting that I have always thought that if I had to go through this pain, it would kill me. And somehow, with the support of my family and friends, I am okay, surviving and even more, I still have hope for the future.

Today will be hard on us...I will cry a lot, and feel loved. I know that I will feel loved.