Not having a great day...

This post is not going to be as positive as most, but it is how I feel. Also, I know things will get better, I am staying strong and I know it is part of the process....I am just allowing myself to feel whatever I feel at the moment....

In the midst of planning Mateo's memorial service a lot of things have come up for me...One of them being the "It's Not Fair" part. When people find out about what happened they often ask me what was wrong...and I must reply "nothing". It is very hard for me that I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy, baby, and birth...there wasn't anything wrong with him or me and labor was exquisite...except that he died. That part will always haunt me. That he is perfect, but not alive. It must be the same for family of those who die in car accidents or other types of accidents, especially if there was no one to blame. And although I know it is not my fault...I will always carry blame, because I was his mom, it was my job to protect him.

It is hard when I read about people having abortions, because they can't be bothered by a baby. Or when I hear about mothers who kill their children or abuse them. How much I wanted my baby...how much he was loved. I took great care of him and of myself...I was so careful. I didn't do drugs or drink...and then I read about mothers who do drugs, smoke and drink their whole pregnancy and their babies are born alive....

You always read about the miracles...a baby who was born with no heartbeat, but started breathing after being on mothers chest for a few minutes. Or the baby who was in the morgue after being stillborn and started moving, and they found a heartbeat. It is hard to come to the realization that I wasn't one of them...I really do have to live the rest of my life without my son...

I know that this will never go away, it will heal and it will still hurt...this scar on my heart will be there forever. And I will use it to do my very best in life, to help heal the world, because that is what I do and who I am...but it will still always hurt. I will still always miss him.

Today, it just hurts and I miss him that much more...so today, I am taking a little extra care of myself as I am remembering my dear little Mateo

12 weeks

Well, today is 12 weeks since I gave birth to my little angel. I still have crying days and just remembering days, but I try to honor Mateo a little bit every day. Planning his memorial after almost 3 months is healing and I am glad that I had time to work on grieving a little before this process. I am finding poems and beautiful things to remember him with and will even have my song sung for him.

Emotionally, and physically I am healing, but my heart still aches, and I guess it always will. There will always be a space there for him. I don't like to think of it as a hole, but more as a nest, where his memory sits, so that he is always there. I see the faces of those who know and the faces of others when they find out and know that they hurt for us, and I am grateful for the thoughts and prayers that I know still go up for us.

I want so badly to have a different story, but I don't. All I can do is take what has been given to me and make a difference, to be brave and courageous, and make sure that this only makes me stronger. And when I have those moments that are inevitable, the ones where I don't know how I can go on and live without that little boy that I adore so much, I remind myself that there is so much for me to do here...and when I am done and my creator calls me home, I will have that much more waiting for me on the other side.

Until then, I will live as if today is my last day...I will sing, as if the whole world is listening, I will dance with wild abandon, I will love more, I will worry less, and I will cherish every moment I have on this earth with those who mean so much to me. I will remember that tomorrow is not promised, and that the past is gone. I will forgive, though I don't have to forget. I will have more faith, hope for the future and give of myself whenever I can. I will remember that I always have something to give, and there is always a place for a friendly smile. I will honor those who fight for me, who love me and who sacrifice themselves for my benefit. I will see myself as beautiful, no matter what I weigh or what shape I am...I will live healthier and take care of the gift of a good working body. I will enjoy my freedom.

Because to do this, is to honor all life, including that of my children And I can't let either one of them down.

Days like today....

I can honestly say, today has been a good day. I had the wonderful opportunity to meet someone who, though I had only spoken to by email and chatted with, has been so supportive and a great sister/friend. This wonderful friend and I met when we both found out that we were expecting babies in May of 2011, on a forum online. We were both planning VBAC's and so we supported each other in that greatly. Then both of us sadly lost our children during/after birth. (Netiher loss had to do with our VBAC'S)

So, after supporting each other in pregnancy, and supporting our birth choices, we were now supporting each other in the loss of our precious children.

She happened to be in Chandler to visit family, so we were able to meet for breakfast today! We had a great talk, and it was very healing to meet her and chat with her in that setting. I hope that she knows how grateful I am for her friendship and support.

It was a good morning and I am glad that I got the chance to connect with her.

Moving through....

So my journey continues...I am noticing that I don't cry every day anymore. I have so many more good days...I still sometimes feel guilty about that, but I am allowing myself to feel what I feel. I laugh, and play, and have fun and know that although I miss by little boy everyday, I am allowed to live... I often think of the line from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the mother says to her daughter "I gave you life, so you would live it."

I also talk a lot about Mateo, and now have his picture up in my bedroom. I look at him everyday and kiss him, I have his little bear and little keepsakes there with him, and my amazing friend Stephanie, made him a little hat...it is hanging from the photo frame. It feels good to have his place there, since his grave is so very far away.

I am so grateful for those people who talk about him with me, and ask me questions. It feels nice to know that other people want to know what they can about him. It doesn't hurt me to hear his name...I never want to be afraid to say it. If someone asks me how many children I have, I tell them that I have one with me and another waiting for me on the other side. I don't want to be ashamed to mention him...death is taboo, especially infant death...I won't live with that...he is my son, and I am so proud to have been his mommy.

I hope no one worries too much about me, I am really doing so well. I still cry sometimes, but it is healing to cry...it is cleansing to cry. I always feel a little better afterward.

I am going to sing this weekend, for the first real time publicly, and I know that I will be singing for him...now, everything I do, is in some way for him. So if you are there, know that while I sing to you, I will also be singing to the heavens, and hopefully those worlds can meet for a moment and we will all be sitting together in the light.

Blessings,

Cerise

ER yesterday...

Disclaimer: I will be sharing info about my menstrual cycle, so if that is not something you want to know about...don't read further :)



So, I ended up in the ER yesterday...I started my first period since I gave birth to Mateo, on Thursday. It was pretty normal until I got home on Thursday from choir practice. Then it started to get much heaver, I was having to use 1 pad an hour...and it didn't stop, so I called my midwife who had me go to get checked. I ended up at the ER most of the day. They didn't find the reason for the problem, but they did find that I was a little anemic from the blood loss and gave me medicines and sent me home. It was harder because I had to explain what happened to Mateo over and over again and then they did an ultrasound....I haven't had one since they found that he had passed away....so I cried and Renato held my hand. The U/S tech shared with me that she lost her baby when she was 27 weeks pregnant, and it helped to know that she really did understand what I was going through.

I am feeling much better today, and had to pick up a few things from Walmart today and I passed baby clothes. There was an outfit that was 3-6 months and I realized that he would have been wearing that size now, if he had lived....I can't believe how time just keeps going and he will always be the same in my heart and in my memories...

So today has been a lot about reflection and remembering...and continuing to grieve...

What do you expect...

I sometimes get the feeling that people are upset with me because I am doing "too" well...like I should be greiving more, or crying more. Sometimes I feel that myself as well. I sometimes feel guilty because I don't cry every moment, or even every day, because maybe that means that I love my child less because I can smile, or even laugh. Then I remind myself that I have grieved enough to learn how to accept more than most. I have seen such pain before, and that gives me a sort of advantage. Not to grieve faster, or to heal better, or even to be stronger...but to know without doubt what I believe. And that brings me such comfort, that I don't need to be as sad.

I believe that there is no death, that life is forever, and eternal. That Mateo is here with me all the time, and that the love that we have has no end. Every new life, and every raindrop and every sunrise reminds me of the beauty of life and that this human body is so fragile, that I must live every day to the fullest, because I never know when this journey will be up. I believe that every being has a beautiful purpose here, to love and to be loved and that when that journey is over, we go to be with our creator. I have such faith. There is no need to be afraid.

I know that you can't see me cry, but I do. And every moment of every day, I miss my baby. I will never stop, I will always feel like a part of me, of my family is missing here on earth. But I also know that I have this beautiful being watching and waiting for me. And there is peace in that.

If I seem to do better than you expect, then know that my healing is working and my beliefs are strong, and just send love. There is no right or wrong way to grieve...there is no time limit, and no one is better at grieving than another. Some people can't function for months or years, and there is nothing wrong with that, that is the way they process what happened. I am still grieving and I will be for a long time. My grieving just looks different than others.

"On the other side of right, and wrong, there is a field...I will meet you there." Rumi