12 weeks

Well, today is 12 weeks since I gave birth to my little angel. I still have crying days and just remembering days, but I try to honor Mateo a little bit every day. Planning his memorial after almost 3 months is healing and I am glad that I had time to work on grieving a little before this process. I am finding poems and beautiful things to remember him with and will even have my song sung for him.

Emotionally, and physically I am healing, but my heart still aches, and I guess it always will. There will always be a space there for him. I don't like to think of it as a hole, but more as a nest, where his memory sits, so that he is always there. I see the faces of those who know and the faces of others when they find out and know that they hurt for us, and I am grateful for the thoughts and prayers that I know still go up for us.

I want so badly to have a different story, but I don't. All I can do is take what has been given to me and make a difference, to be brave and courageous, and make sure that this only makes me stronger. And when I have those moments that are inevitable, the ones where I don't know how I can go on and live without that little boy that I adore so much, I remind myself that there is so much for me to do here...and when I am done and my creator calls me home, I will have that much more waiting for me on the other side.

Until then, I will live as if today is my last day...I will sing, as if the whole world is listening, I will dance with wild abandon, I will love more, I will worry less, and I will cherish every moment I have on this earth with those who mean so much to me. I will remember that tomorrow is not promised, and that the past is gone. I will forgive, though I don't have to forget. I will have more faith, hope for the future and give of myself whenever I can. I will remember that I always have something to give, and there is always a place for a friendly smile. I will honor those who fight for me, who love me and who sacrifice themselves for my benefit. I will see myself as beautiful, no matter what I weigh or what shape I am...I will live healthier and take care of the gift of a good working body. I will enjoy my freedom.

Because to do this, is to honor all life, including that of my children And I can't let either one of them down.