This post is not going to be as positive as most, but it is how I feel. Also, I know things will get better, I am staying strong and I know it is part of the process....I am just allowing myself to feel whatever I feel at the moment....
In the midst of planning Mateo's memorial service a lot of things have come up for me...One of them being the "It's Not Fair" part. When people find out about what happened they often ask me what was wrong...and I must reply "nothing". It is very hard for me that I had a perfectly healthy pregnancy, baby, and birth...there wasn't anything wrong with him or me and labor was exquisite...except that he died. That part will always haunt me. That he is perfect, but not alive. It must be the same for family of those who die in car accidents or other types of accidents, especially if there was no one to blame. And although I know it is not my fault...I will always carry blame, because I was his mom, it was my job to protect him.
It is hard when I read about people having abortions, because they can't be bothered by a baby. Or when I hear about mothers who kill their children or abuse them. How much I wanted my baby...how much he was loved. I took great care of him and of myself...I was so careful. I didn't do drugs or drink...and then I read about mothers who do drugs, smoke and drink their whole pregnancy and their babies are born alive....
You always read about the miracles...a baby who was born with no heartbeat, but started breathing after being on mothers chest for a few minutes. Or the baby who was in the morgue after being stillborn and started moving, and they found a heartbeat. It is hard to come to the realization that I wasn't one of them...I really do have to live the rest of my life without my son...
I know that this will never go away, it will heal and it will still hurt...this scar on my heart will be there forever. And I will use it to do my very best in life, to help heal the world, because that is what I do and who I am...but it will still always hurt. I will still always miss him.
Today, it just hurts and I miss him that much more...so today, I am taking a little extra care of myself as I am remembering my dear little Mateo
Oh my how I can relate. It's just not fair. Some of my posts have been UGLY. Real, raw emotion with little nice in site. I've learned that those that love me enough to want to see me through the wreck I am right now want to hear what I'm really feeling. Not just see a smile plastered on for the sake of others. Keep on keepin' it real!
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