Twins Birth story (Better late than never :)

I don't know why it was so important for me to write this now, as my boys are already 19 months...but it was heavy on my heart, so I did it. It is very long...sorry about that, but here it is, my birth story for the twins. 

My birth story of my rainbow twins after a full-term stillbirth

It was exactly 6 months after losing Mateo during childbirth that I found out I was pregnant again. I was so happy, and scared all at the same time. Then at our first dating ultrasound, I found out that I was not expecting just 1 rainbow baby, but two. Twins do not run in my family at all, so it was not something I had expected…except I had a dream that I had twins and even left Peru a couple of months after my loss feeling like I was supposed to have two more babies, not just one. Even using the bathroom just before my ultrasound I said a prayer and said, “God, please let everything be okay with this baby, or babies, if there are two.”

I knew that they were both boys, I just had a gut feeling that they were and the lack of morning sickness (I only had MS with my daughter and none with Mateo) made me sure that there were no girls in there. My daughter told me as soon as we found out that we were expecting that we were going to have two babies, a boy and a girl…and an ultrasound at 15 weeks said one was a boy and the other one she thought was a girl…but I still felt like they were both boys. And another ultrasound at 20 weeks confirmed that.

I had a lot of ultrasounds, NST’s and tests…with Mateo, I was 41 weeks, healthy and everything was normal…and then when I was about 5-6 CM dilated, we couldn’t find a heartbeat. So, no one was going to take any chances. I started spotting at 10 weeks and they found a sub-chorionic hemorrhage…so I was on bed rest until it absorbed into the Uterus….which happened at about 18 weeks…then toward the end of the pregnancy my blood pressure started going up pretty high, so I was sent home on bed rest again. At 35 weeks, on my way home from that doctor’s appointment, I got into a fender bender and started having a few stronger, but inconsistent contractions. A few days later I was very uncomfortable and having a pretty bad day. I felt sick, I felt very, very pregnant (At 35 weeks I was measuring 56 weeks pregnant) and I was so done with everything. I just knew I was going to be pregnant forever and my poor body was going to fall apart. At 5pm I had a contraction that made me really take notice. It was pretty different than the others and 7 minutes later I had another…my husband had brought me food and I was starving, so I took a few bites…and then I realized these contractions were closer to the “real deal” than I was admitting to myself.

We decided to go to the hospital, since I was only 35 weeks 3 days and get checked out. I got to the hospital and they said they would check me,  but the contractions didn’t look that strong, so they took their time…almost an hour before they hooked me up to monitors and then another 30 minutes of seeing my contractions to check me. I was at 3 cm dilated. They said I could have been walking around for weeks that way, although I had been checked a few days before and my cervix was completely closed.

I knew I was in labor. They gave me a shot to stop the contractions and they went away for about 30 minutes. Then they came back with a vengeance, stronger and closer together. They waited about 30 more minutes and gave me another shot. They stopped for about 45 minutes and they checked me again…4cm. Hopefully this would work…but, it didn’t. The contractions started again and after another hour they checked me and the nurse said she could stretch me to a 5. She called my doctor who said to see if I wanted 1 more shot to see if it would work. The nurse came over and said, “You have a choice, your body really wants to give birth to these babies, but it is a little too early. You can have one more shot, but I can guarantee you it won’t work. The other option is to go ahead and do a c-section and not make you continue with labor, knowing that your son died during labor last year.” So, I chose to go ahead and have them.

By now, I had been in labor for about 7 hours. It was midnight and I was tired and in pain. They offered me an epidural, but I didn’t want it. I wanted to feel each contraction so I could tell if they were getting stronger or not. They definitely were. I also wanted to feel the babies move constantly…just hearing their heartbeats was not enough for me…

At about 1:30am a nurse came in and said that the NICU was full at the hospital and that there was a good chance that at least one of the babies was going to need to be in there for a little while. My options were to stay there, have my c-section and if the babies needed the NICU, that child or both would be transferred to another hospital. But, I would be at the current hospital still. Or I could be transferred then to the other hospital and they would do my c-section there and if the babies needed the NICU, I would at least be in the same hospital as them. That is the option I chose. At 2:30 the ambulance arrived to transfer me and I went to Banner Desert medical center. Once there the doctor on duty asked me why I was having a c-section and what they had done to stop labor. I explained everything and she said she didn’t think there was any way I was at a 5 at this point because I didn’t look like I was in that much pain. LOL She checked me and said, “Wow, you are about 5 cm, maybe a little more”

After signing and consenting…they gave Renato his scrubs and wheeled me into OR. It was then I started crying…I realized I was about to hear my babies cry. After giving birth to Mateo, all I remembered was the silence…I couldn’t wait to hear their cries and know they were alive.

At  4:18 am on July 13, 2012, (Also my father’s birthday) They pulled Kenny out. He cried. He cried, he was alive! I can’t tell you how much that meant to me. And then at 4:19 am they pulled out Alex. He cried too! It was a very emotional moment to hear that they were alive, they were okay! Kenny weighed 6lbs 8 oz. and Alex weighed 6lbs 2 oz.

Both of their apgars were 9/9, but in recovery they noticed that Alex was struggling a little with his breathing, they took him to the nursery to give him some oxygen and told me they would bring him back in a couple of hours. By the end of the day they told me they had to put in on the C-pap machine and he would stay in the NICU until he could breathe on his own…which turned into a 10 day NICU stay. I finally held him when he was 4 days old for the first time. My little fighter! Kenny was perfect, no problems, and he was actually back up to his birth weight by the time we left the hospital...which is not surprising since he is my chunky monkey :)

I was released from the hospital on day 5, and by day 7 Alex was in his own NICU room, but he started doing badly again…he wouldn't eat and was losing a lot of weight and also was struggling to breathe again...so Renato and his sister Trilce took care of Kenny for me and I moved into the NICU with Alex. For three days I did all of his feeds, all of his diaper changes and baths and stayed with him around the clock. So many friends came and kept me company, donated breastmilk for Kenny and brought me food and supplies. I am so grateful for those who helped support us while we got our little guy better and finally got to bring him home on July 23^rd. One of those amazing friends was also almost 36 weeks with twins and the hospital always tried to direct her to L&D when she would come see me! She actually gave birth on the 23rd of July, the day Alex was released...she was that close!!

Kenny and Alex cannot replace Mateo, they do not heal the pain, or fix the hurt. But they are their own blessings…they are my sweet boys and every time I look at them, they remind me how lucky I am, and how blessed my life is. We have an almost perfect family here on earth…it could only be better if we had our missing son, but I know we will see him again. And, I will still get to hold him in my dreams.

It has been a long time since I have written here...things have changed so much. We now have two little boys who take up a lot of time and attention, but wouldn't have it any other way. We are so blessed and have so much to be thankful for, and even with everything going on, I still think of you every day.

Yes, on the outside I seem to have moved on, I smile, I laugh...I even joke around. I am happy, and joyful...and yet there is still a hole inside. I still steal away at least once a day to cry...tears still roll down my face when I hear your name, even if it is given to another child. I still wish things were different, and think about what life would be like if you were here with us.

Oh, it would be busy! A 5 year old, a 18 month old, and twin 5 month olds...but it would be amazing to hear your voice, to watch you walking around and see your precious smile...To cuddle with you during movies, and sing to you as you fall asleep.

This is the second Christmas without you, I can't believe time has passed so quickly...it feels like just yesterday we had to say goodbye. I can still feel your little fingers on my thumb, and I can still smell the sweetness of your hair. I wish I could kiss you again and again and again. I wish that I could hold you again and whisper "I Love you" into your ear. I want you to know that I think of you every time I kiss the boys, every time I hold them...I kiss them extra for you.

Yes, things may look normal around here...but nothing is ever "normal" for an angel mommy. There is always one piece of her that is waiting for here somewhere else. I love you precious angel of mine...I love you always and forever...

Happy Birthday

Well today is your day, today I honor you. I honor your life, and your love. Every precious kick, every punch. Every ultrasound I got of you sucking your fist. I honor and love you for every moment that you were with me and every memory I now have to cherish.

I once said, in my saddest moment, that I wish that I had just had a miscarriage...I said that I wish I had never had the sadness of losing you at the last moment of pregnancy...but I don't. I am grateful I got to see your face, to name you, to love you and hold you. I am grateful that I know whose ears you had. I am glad I got to see that you had my grandmother's toes and fingers...and your father's cheeks. I am glad I got to see how much like me you looked, and how much beautiful curly hair you had on your head.

As the song goes, "My life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

Thank you for the dance we shared baby boy, I will cherish it always.

Birthday...

Tomorrow is your birthday...so I went and bought balloons. I walked down the isle and saw all the paper plates, and cups and birthday cards...the decorations, and treats for all the guests. But, I won't be needing any of that, there is no cake and ice cream, no party, no guests. I bought balloons, but not in celebration, instead we will write on them beautiful words, and tell you how much we love you. We will put stickers and hearts on them and send them into the sky, hoping that they will reach you in Heaven.

They don't make cards and for babies who never took an earthly breath...no one puts up streamers, or calls to wish you a happy birthday. I don't even know how many people will even remember you tomorrow on your day. But your family will...I will tell Maya that it is your birthday, and that we will send you all our love at 7pm...we will light little candles and stand by the pond...and release your balloons, and we will speak your name. Because you did live my little boy, you did, and we will always remember you and speak of you...you will never be forgotten. Your life made a difference, no matter how short on earth it was. You matter...and I love you.

This time last year...

This time last year, I was dancing with you and begging you to make your appearance. I was 6 days past due...and you had dropped so much that I knew it would be any moment...

This time last year, I had your crib set up and your bottles washed and all of your clothes folded and ready. We joked that you would probably be too big to every wear your newborn clothes. Your dad and I spoke every night of what you would look like, and how adorable your cheeks would be. I dreamt about you and your beautiful eyes, and told your dad how in my dreams you were starving all the time. I just knew you would come out and you would eat all day every day.

This time last year I was only 24 hours away from going into labor, and had no clue I was that close...it felt like forever.

This time last year I imagined our life together...I thought about your little hands and feet and how perfect they would be. I could almost close my eyes and see your face. I had my 3D ultrasound photos and wondered how close you would really look to them.

Your big sister Maya would wake up and tell me about how she would take care of you, and watch over you...we told her what an amazing big sister she would be.

This time last year I sang to you and spoke to you...I remember saying to you, "My little Mateo...I hope you know that I would do anything for you. I would never put you in any harm...I love you more than life and I don't care how you come into this world as long as you are healthy"

This time last year I had an appointment with a High Risk OB, who checked and measured and looked at ultrasounds and told me there was no reason that he or anyone else could find to do a c-section...you were just taking a little longer to bake than we thought.

This time last year I was blissfully unaware that your soul had a different journey...that you were too beautiful for earth.

This time last year, I didn't know that I only had 2 days left with you...that my heart would break into a million pieces...I didn't know how empty my arms would feel and how my soul would ache everyday forever, living without you.

This time last year, you were still with me...and now, you are getting ready to celebrate your first birthday in Heaven...instead of here on earth with me.

Oh how I wish I had a do over...what I wouldn't give to be taken back to this moment...last year.

I haven't forgotten...

I walk into a room and everyone lights up, because there are three of us now. Everyone is so happy and I am too...and, I still haven't forgotten you.

Maya tells me, there will be three children in our family now, but I gently remind her we have a baby waiting for us in heaven, because I still haven't forgotten you.

I read about how the babies are growing, and get excited that I might actually bring them home this time...and, I still haven't forgotten you.

Every morning I look at your beautiful face on the picture of you that I have, I smile and I cry, knowing that you are loved, even though you are not here...and, I still haven't forgotten you.

I never will, no matter how many days I live on this planet, no matter how many future children I give birth to, no matter the happiness that fills my soul. There will always be a place in this family that you should have filled, a bed you should have occupied, arms that should be wrapped around you...I will always remember that, for as long as I am on this planet...until the day I get to hold you again, and whisper into your ear, "I never forgot you"

I'm Living Proof

Life is not always easy...there are sad, sad days. I hear people say all the time, "I couldn't live through that!"

I want you to know, that I hope you never have to experience some of the things that I have seen. I hope you never have to lose something that is so precious. I pray every day that no one else will ever know this pain...and everyday other families do.

So, since I can't keep the pain from being there, my mission is to show every person who meets me that they are stronger than they know. We all know pain, whether it is the loss of a love, a child, a grandparent, and spouse, their whole family...It could be a job, a house, all your possessions. But, you can live through it...you can find love and peace on the other side. I know, because I'm living proof.

One of the most powerful things is letting go of expectations...that is so easy to say, and so difficult to do. Who wants to go through life thinking something bad could happen. But that is not what I mean. I mean realizing that we don't have control. Life is not something we can command...yes, we can be co-creators, but that is different than forcing the outcome. We can't make everything be okay, we can't force life to go our way...that's not how life works.

We are giving every moment new, we choose how we react to our experiences and choose what to do next. We are not always given easy choices, but every choice that we make is the best we can make in any given moment. Life is always happening, and sometimes it easy to say, "But, I could have done this, or I could have done that." Most things in life are out of our control...all we can do it keep going.

You can keep going, life gets brighter, life gets better and even the darkest day, can lead to something beautiful. You can question every move you make, and not ever move on...I know this because I have lived it. I have gone over that day in my head a million times. There is never an outcome where I bring my baby home. That is where surrender came in...I had to let go. I can't say my life is better...but there is hope in my life, there is still beauty and there is peace. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...

I know, because I am living proof...