But man, that fear can knock you on your butt!
I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning...I just had one last week. This is the NT test, so they can check for Down Syndrome, which was optional. I chose it because I want one more glimpse that everything is fine in there.
My minster on Sunday spoke about planting the seed for what you want and not digging it up all the time to check and make sure it is growing...and I joked that, "This is why people invented ultrasound technology"
I know that these babies, and myself, deserve to have a beautifully blissful pregnancy, but the knowing and the reality are two different things. There are some roads, that once walked, you can't turn around and be ignorant anymore. However, that doesn't mean I don't have a choice. I know the truth, and I know the Truth.
I know that there isn't a single thing I can do that will guarantee that I am holding healthy screaming babies a the end of this pregnancy. And really, what will worrying get me? Will it change the outcome? Will it make me happier? The answer is no...it won't. It will just make me miss out on this beautiful and amazing experience of LIFE, that is happening within me.
I think back on my pregnancy with Mateo...and I worried then too. But, I loved more than I feared.
I choose love over fear today also...because even if something does happen...I don't want my babies to know that fear. I only want them to know love...
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Fear not my child...
There is a song I used to sing as a teenager, actually, I used to sing it with my dad. It was called "Fear Not My Child" It goes:
"Fear not my child, for I am with you always
And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears
Fear not my child, for I'm gonna be with you always
I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"
This song has been in my head for the last few days, as I deal with some fears surrounding the pregnancy. They are not valid fears, there is nothing wrong with me or the babies, but they are, to some extent, expected. I realize that this pregnancy is different, in fact I remind myself daily. The odds are reset, the chances of something happening are not higher or lower because of what happened to Mateo. This is a completely new experience. And yet, when you have experienced this kind of sadness, there is no rational explanation strong enough to force the fear away.
The numbers are simple...the chances of Mateo passing away, from umbilical cord torsion, during labor, at the 41 weeks, were .00003%, but it happened. The chances of us conceiving twins without any treatments or family history were also very low, less than a 5% chance. That makes my brain think that I have some sort of tendency for having low probability things happen to me. Which scares me...
"Fear not my child"...so then, what is the other explanation? Is it possible that neither one of these things happened by chance? Is it possible that Mateo was just not meant to be here with us now? Is it possible that these twins are meant to be here for a specific purpose and that there is some Divine intervention to us conceiving them? "For I am with you always"
When chance is taken out of the equation, it certainly lessens the fear. It is much easier to know that all is well, and that I will end this pregnancy holding healthy babies, by knowing that I am not cursed to only experience the low odds, but that something greater than me is at work. "And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears. Fear not my child"
And somehow, I know this to be true, that everything is happening in perfect timing. I feel that there is a greater power at work in my life, that my highest and best good is forthcoming. That allows me to breathe...to finally feel just a little bit of relief. "For I am with you always. I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"
And I find Peace...
"Fear not my child, for I am with you always
And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears
Fear not my child, for I'm gonna be with you always
I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"
This song has been in my head for the last few days, as I deal with some fears surrounding the pregnancy. They are not valid fears, there is nothing wrong with me or the babies, but they are, to some extent, expected. I realize that this pregnancy is different, in fact I remind myself daily. The odds are reset, the chances of something happening are not higher or lower because of what happened to Mateo. This is a completely new experience. And yet, when you have experienced this kind of sadness, there is no rational explanation strong enough to force the fear away.
The numbers are simple...the chances of Mateo passing away, from umbilical cord torsion, during labor, at the 41 weeks, were .00003%, but it happened. The chances of us conceiving twins without any treatments or family history were also very low, less than a 5% chance. That makes my brain think that I have some sort of tendency for having low probability things happen to me. Which scares me...
"Fear not my child"...so then, what is the other explanation? Is it possible that neither one of these things happened by chance? Is it possible that Mateo was just not meant to be here with us now? Is it possible that these twins are meant to be here for a specific purpose and that there is some Divine intervention to us conceiving them? "For I am with you always"
When chance is taken out of the equation, it certainly lessens the fear. It is much easier to know that all is well, and that I will end this pregnancy holding healthy babies, by knowing that I am not cursed to only experience the low odds, but that something greater than me is at work. "And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears. Fear not my child"
And somehow, I know this to be true, that everything is happening in perfect timing. I feel that there is a greater power at work in my life, that my highest and best good is forthcoming. That allows me to breathe...to finally feel just a little bit of relief. "For I am with you always. I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"
And I find Peace...
Monday, January 9, 2012
It is better to have loved and lost...
I always thought I understood this saying, but I never did, until I finally lived the meaning of it. I can honestly say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved Mateo at all...I also understand the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks more than I ever have before.
It is funny how years of love songs come running through your memory when you lose your baby, and you realize that almost all of the words are able to be related to the loss of a child. "I will always love you", "From now until forever", "There are more than angels watching over me, I believe", "One more day, one more time, one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied, but then again, I know what it would do, leave me wishing still for one more day with you", "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"
No matter what, there will always be an empty spot in me, until I am reunited with you...I really will always love you...Rest in Peace my sweet angel Mateito.
It is funny how years of love songs come running through your memory when you lose your baby, and you realize that almost all of the words are able to be related to the loss of a child. "I will always love you", "From now until forever", "There are more than angels watching over me, I believe", "One more day, one more time, one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied, but then again, I know what it would do, leave me wishing still for one more day with you", "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"
No matter what, there will always be an empty spot in me, until I am reunited with you...I really will always love you...Rest in Peace my sweet angel Mateito.
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