Everyone said the holidays would be hard...

But they weren't so bad. I did have my moments, thinking I really should have had an extra little mouth to feed and a little boy to hold(Who would be almost 6 months now), but I just kept reminding myself that this is my story, my path.

I did purchase some little battery operated tea lights, and I have one sitting in front of Mateo's picture in my closet. I turn it on when I wake up in the morning, and I tell him good morning. And then I turn it off when I go to bed, and I tell him good night. It has become a little ritual and I am really connecting more by doing it.

I don't know if I shared the story of the tea light candle during my labor, so I thought I would share it now. My labor started at 7pm, so I labored all night. Just after midnight, we lit the candle and put it in a "Holding Hand's" Candle holder. That candle burned all night long. I remember laboring all night, while trying to sleep, and that beautiful light was all there was. When we listened to his heartbeat in the morning, the sun was up, and there was no more need for the candle, so after listening to his perfect little heart, my doula blew it out. I commented that it was the longest I had ever seen a tea light burn...

The next time we tried to listen to his heartbeat, he was gone. But, I still have this beautiful memory of the candle burning all night long. Those were our last hours together, and remembering the candle holder and the light, reminds me that the light is really always burning, and we are always held, no matter the distance.

So it warms my heart to keep a candle there with what I have left of him, to always remind me of this.

I love you Mateito.

It is what it is...

I was really trying to write something about gratitude, given the Thanksgiving holiday approaching, but instead I am writing about acceptance.

I was at a therapy session recently and I was talking about my guilt and all of my "What ifs" and my therapist said to me, "One of the most powerful things that you can tell yourself is, It is, what it is. Living in the past won't change it, and beating yourself up won't change it, so you have to accept what it is."

I can sometimes spend hours thinking about what would have happened if Mateo didn't die. What he would look like now, at almost 6 months old. What he would sound like, what color his eyes would be. It makes me very sad when I go down that road, and this saying has helped me with that.

It doesn't take away my sadness, but it does help me to stay in the now. So when I start to travel the road of "What ifs", I just tell myself, "Cerise, it is what it is, it has already happened, it can't be changed".

Now, I have also learned how to do this in other areas of my life, my mistakes of the past, the hurts that others have caused, and the friendships that have come and gone. It reminds me that all I really have is this moment. So, I must make the best of it. So, in a way, I guess this post has something to do with gratitude.

Namaste

Life is about Pain

I recently attended a service where Brother Ishmael Tetteh was speaking, and he made this statement, he said "Life is all about pain. Do you agree?" Most people said no, life is not about pain...but he insisted that it was. He said, "The river never has a strait path to ocean...there are ups and downs, obstacles that it must go around. The rays of sun aren't there most spectacular, until the moment that the rain clouds come and then they pass through them, then they explode into a rainbow. Pain is the obstacle that you hit, that transforms you into your most amazing self."

I don't know if I agree with the statement that life is all about pain, but it is true, that struggle is an important part of the process. The butterfly must struggle out of its cocoon...there is fluid in the body of the butterfly, that while it is pushing out of the cocoon, spreads into its wings. The fluid would kill the butterfly if it stayed in the body, and the wings, without this fluid, would never be able to fly. And so, the butterfly must go through this tribulation, to be able to finish it's transformation.

Childbirth is no different, bringing life into this world is painful...the process of pushing a baby out is a struggle for the mother, and for the baby...but the process is put in place so that the mother and the baby benefit. All life, all transformation, comes out of some sort of struggle.

Now, I don't believe for a second, that there is a higher power putting these obstacles in our way. The obstacles are just there...things happen. The rain falls on the rich and the poor. It is what we do with those obstacles that shape us, that transform us. It is how we are changed that gives the experience value.

We could reach the boulder, and decide to stay...deciding not to go around, or up and over. Or we can even decide to turn back. We can stand at the boulder and yell, and scream and fight. We can blame everyone around us for the putting the boulder there...we can even yell at God..."How could you do this to me, how could you put this boulder in my path?" Or, we can see the boulder, realize that there is nothing that we can do about it, grieve for as long as we need to, and then make a path around it.

Our boulders can be many things, and some are much more painful than others...but that doesn't mean that we don't have a choice in how profound our transformation can be.

Namaste

Where the strength comes from...

So, I was thinking at 3:00 am when I was up with my daughter as she was sick all night long...where does our strength as parents come from? Being a parent is not easy, it can be very hard...but at the end of the day or even when the day just keeps on going...it is all worth it.

Starting in pregnancy, when the first few months are crazy, especially if you have really bad morning sickness, some days you wonder where you will get the strength. You are so tired you can barely keep your head up, you laugh one second and then cry the next, and you are so bloated you can't fit into anything you own...And then, at an ultrasound one day, you see a little heart beating, and you see an outline of a little baby form, and all of a sudden, you realize that you would literally give your life for this perfect little one that is growing inside of you. It gives you the strength to get through anything.

Then during labor, even when you think you can't go on, you find the strength to give life to this child of yours...to push even when you don't know if you can...and that moment that you see your child for the first time, you realize that every moment of pain you will ever experience for the rest of your life, is okay...as long as this little baby is healthy and happy.

So, where do you find the strength, during the times it is not beautiful, or when it is just downright painful? I often wonder where I got the strength to push, knowing that Mateo wasn't alive...that I wasn't bringing him into this world to live, but rather, to say goodbye. Where did I find the strength to do all those things I felt like I shouldn't have had to do in the first place? And then, the question a lot of people have asked, although not asked to me directly, why did I still push him out, when it would have been so easy to have a c-section and just get it over with? Why did I go through 7 more hours of labor and 2 and a half hours of pushing, when I could have had a reprieve from my at least some of my pain and suffering?

I did it for the same reasons, I did it out of love. I promised my son the most peaceful birth I could give him. I promised him I would always do what was best for him. The freak accident that happened to cause his death, didn't let me out of my end of the deal. I wanted to fulfill my end of that promise, and give him his birth. These two events were actually separate events...one was the death of my child, and the other was his birth...they just happened in the wrong order.

So, back to my sick little girl in the middle of the night. About 5:30am we were up again with her. I looked into her eyes, and said to her, "Maya, I am so sorry you are not feeling better." and she put her hand on my cheek and said to me, "It's okay mama, some days, we just don't feel better."

That was the moment, that reminded me, that this pure love, that perfect connection...it is worth every second of the pain. And I would do it all again, all of it, out of love...the strongest love I have ever felt. The love of a mother, for her children.

Singing always heals my soul...

So, I sang with some friends tonight. We did a benefit concert for the wonderful organization called One True Love...

I realized that singing really heals my soul...it reminds me what I am here for and helps me put things in perspective. I even saw a little baby, and started to get sad, and I reminded myself that today was not about what I don't have...today was about what I do have, and what I have to give.

So here are my thoughts on Love, since that is what the theme of the night was.

Love is the answer to every question, and here is why:

Love would never allow anyone to be hungry, or homeless.
Love would never allow war, or hatred, or needless suffering, of any living thing.
Love would never allow people to be lonely.
Love would never allow abuse, or murder.
Love would never allow unforgivness, sorrow, shame or guilt.
Love would never allow poverty, inequality, discrimination or untruth.
Love would never allow intolerance, in any form.

When we come from a place of Love, all we can do is good in the world. All we can be is positive, and all we can see is love. True, pure, perfect, unconditional Love really is the answer to any question.

If we could all come from this place for just 5 minutes a day...True Love, to ourselves and to everything else that exists, the whole wide world, would know peace.

We are all One...I think this is the meaning of One True Love...To realize our connection to each other, realize our connection to all living things and to our planet, and just feel the love.

Haven't been around much...

I have been really down the last couple of days, and I haven't really known how to put it into words. I guess I still don't. I am seeing a counselor here in Maricopa, which is helping, but this week I have just been so emotional and anxious.

I feel like this journey is about only taking on what I can handle, and then, once I am feeling better, another wave of sadness comes over me that I must grieve again. I know that from the outside, it must be hard to imagine what kind of pain this is...but somehow it makes me question everything about myself. There is a level of blame and guilt that no amount of reality can shake. In my saddest moments, I feel completely lost, and yet at the same time, I know that somehow everything will be okay.

They say that time heals...but sometimes time is just a reminder that nothing will change. I will always have a son who didn't live...and there will always be a time when I need to grieve it all over again. I have grieved many things...the loss of a friend, the loss of my grandmother, the loss of pets and the loss of loves in my life...none have hurt as badly or gone as deeply as this.

There are moments when hope is hard to find, and maybe some moments are just meant to be grieved...for what was lost, for what might have been.

They say it is always darkest before the dawn...today I hope that it is true.