So, I was thinking at 3:00 am when I was up with my daughter as she was sick all night long...where does our strength as parents come from? Being a parent is not easy, it can be very hard...but at the end of the day or even when the day just keeps on going...it is all worth it.
Starting in pregnancy, when the first few months are crazy, especially if you have really bad morning sickness, some days you wonder where you will get the strength. You are so tired you can barely keep your head up, you laugh one second and then cry the next, and you are so bloated you can't fit into anything you own...And then, at an ultrasound one day, you see a little heart beating, and you see an outline of a little baby form, and all of a sudden, you realize that you would literally give your life for this perfect little one that is growing inside of you. It gives you the strength to get through anything.
Then during labor, even when you think you can't go on, you find the strength to give life to this child of yours...to push even when you don't know if you can...and that moment that you see your child for the first time, you realize that every moment of pain you will ever experience for the rest of your life, is okay...as long as this little baby is healthy and happy.
So, where do you find the strength, during the times it is not beautiful, or when it is just downright painful? I often wonder where I got the strength to push, knowing that Mateo wasn't alive...that I wasn't bringing him into this world to live, but rather, to say goodbye. Where did I find the strength to do all those things I felt like I shouldn't have had to do in the first place? And then, the question a lot of people have asked, although not asked to me directly, why did I still push him out, when it would have been so easy to have a c-section and just get it over with? Why did I go through 7 more hours of labor and 2 and a half hours of pushing, when I could have had a reprieve from my at least some of my pain and suffering?
I did it for the same reasons, I did it out of love. I promised my son the most peaceful birth I could give him. I promised him I would always do what was best for him. The freak accident that happened to cause his death, didn't let me out of my end of the deal. I wanted to fulfill my end of that promise, and give him his birth. These two events were actually separate events...one was the death of my child, and the other was his birth...they just happened in the wrong order.
So, back to my sick little girl in the middle of the night. About 5:30am we were up again with her. I looked into her eyes, and said to her, "Maya, I am so sorry you are not feeling better." and she put her hand on my cheek and said to me, "It's okay mama, some days, we just don't feel better."
That was the moment, that reminded me, that this pure love, that perfect connection...it is worth every second of the pain. And I would do it all again, all of it, out of love...the strongest love I have ever felt. The love of a mother, for her children.
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