Everyone said the holidays would be hard...

But they weren't so bad. I did have my moments, thinking I really should have had an extra little mouth to feed and a little boy to hold(Who would be almost 6 months now), but I just kept reminding myself that this is my story, my path.

I did purchase some little battery operated tea lights, and I have one sitting in front of Mateo's picture in my closet. I turn it on when I wake up in the morning, and I tell him good morning. And then I turn it off when I go to bed, and I tell him good night. It has become a little ritual and I am really connecting more by doing it.

I don't know if I shared the story of the tea light candle during my labor, so I thought I would share it now. My labor started at 7pm, so I labored all night. Just after midnight, we lit the candle and put it in a "Holding Hand's" Candle holder. That candle burned all night long. I remember laboring all night, while trying to sleep, and that beautiful light was all there was. When we listened to his heartbeat in the morning, the sun was up, and there was no more need for the candle, so after listening to his perfect little heart, my doula blew it out. I commented that it was the longest I had ever seen a tea light burn...

The next time we tried to listen to his heartbeat, he was gone. But, I still have this beautiful memory of the candle burning all night long. Those were our last hours together, and remembering the candle holder and the light, reminds me that the light is really always burning, and we are always held, no matter the distance.

So it warms my heart to keep a candle there with what I have left of him, to always remind me of this.

I love you Mateito.