Dear Mateito...

I feel bad that it has taken me this long to really talk to you. I talk about you, and think of you every minute, of everyday...but to really talk to you, that I haven't done. I want you to know how much I wanted you, and how happy I was to find out that I was pregnant with you. I had to take the test 3 times before I believed the little pink line on September 12, 2010. I will never forget the day for as long as I live. I told everyone right away, I knew that there was always a chance of losing you in the early days, but I remember thinking that I would rather have everyone rejoice with me, and be there if I lost you, than to lose you and have to cry alone. I still feel that way today. I remember telling your big sister for the first time, that she would have a little baby to help mommy take care of. She never really understood, but she was so happy to have a baby to hold and love, and sing to.

Your daddy and I would have little discussions about whether you were a boy or girl, and I would lovingly remind him that I knew you were a boy, and that I am always right...and he would smile at me, and say, "We will see" I would just laugh...

I would go to my doctors appointments to hear your heartbeat and every time I would cry...my belly would shake and I would have to say sorry to Stephanie and Jen...they would just smile.

I was always worried about eating right, and exercising and making sure that I was perfectly healthy, so you would be too. Your daddy and I joined the gym and started doing water aerobics...I would love the way you would be weightless, while I was in the water. We always had so much fun, you and I.

I remember our last ultrasound, seeing your little face...watching you suck on your hand. I told your dad..."He is going to be one hungry little boy" I could already picture you there, me watching your eyes as I fed you...I could picture Maya's little hand carefully stroking your hair as you ate. We all already loved you so much...we were just waiting for you to come out and show your little face.

And then came the day that we were waiting for, we were in labor...I remember rubbing my belly, telling you not to be afraid through the contractions...we were doing this together, you and I...I promised you that I would never do anything to hurt you...to always do what was best for you...I think back to that day, when I was so carefree, swaying to music and singing to you...not knowing that I was singing you into heaven, dancing you right into God's arms. If I had known, I would have never let you go.

Then things got blurry...hours that felt like minutes, time passed so slowly and so quickly. There was pain, but nothing physical could hurt as badly as knowing that I could never have you...and then there you were...I waited for you to cry, hoping that they were wrong...and then realizing that you really were too beautiful for earth. We held you, memorized you, and then I had to give you back...but all the while I have been holding on...what else can I do.

They tell me that I have to let you go...not your memory, but you Spirit...to let you and I both be free...

I put all the energy of you I had into a beautiful little sleeping bear and took you with me on a journey of the heart. A journey to a magical place, filled with wonder, and peace. The Incas believed that when a loved one dies, the Condor, carries them on his back to the other side. They put the bodies into a fetal position, so that they can be born into heaven...it was perfect...I thought about it all day. How I would leave your energy there...so that you can be free in this most beautiful place...with these amazing mountains all around you forever. So I carefully placed your bear on the back of the Condor and sang you the song I wrote for you...

"I let you live, as the wind in my hair/as the butterfly that gracefully flies through the air/I let you live, as the dreams of my heart/for I know that when you're there you are never far/because I know that I can't just let you go/I let you live"

And I set you free...

Although I will never let you go, I will hold your memory forever, my little Mateo, my only son, I let you live...