I feel so strong sometimes...I feel like I can breathe, and that the sadness won't completely overtake me...then something happens and I just don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want this experience, I don't want to learn any lessons...I never took life for granted anyway, I always cherished everything. I don't want to grieve, or cry anymore. I don't want these kinds of sleepless nights. I don't want this pain, or suffering. I just want my baby. I just want to rock him and hold him and feed him and watch him goo and grow and smile and sleep. I would do anything to change that moment, that horrible second where everything changed. I am so angry that I can't...I am more angry that I have no one to blame, not a person or thing I can be angry at. This horrible accident, this moment of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time...I was a handful of hours away from holding him crying in my arms...just a short time from his cord being obsolete...and just before that could happen, it killed him...
I don't want this experience, I don't want to learn any lessons...I never took life for granted anyway, I always cherished everything. I don't want to grieve, or cry anymore. I don't want these kinds of sleepless nights. I don't want this pain, or suffering. I just want my baby. I just want to rock him and hold him and feed him and watch him goo and grow and smile and sleep. I would do anything to change that moment, that horrible second where everything changed. I am so angry that I can't...I am more angry that I have no one to blame, not a person or thing I can be angry at. This horrible accident, this moment of him being in the wrong place at the wrong time...I was a handful of hours away from holding him crying in my arms...just a short time from his cord being obsolete...and just before that could happen, it killed him...
I just want my baby...my son, my Mateo.
Do not feel guilty for being sad for his loss. Nobody can or would blame you for how you feel for it is justified and normal. You can not help it, it just needs to happen. If you kept it in and secret it would destroy you. This grief is out of your control so just ride the waves of it the best you can Reese. If you feel you are sinking grab one of the countless life lines you have on this world and let them hold you up for a while till you can be strong enough to ride again. Eventually you will come ashore and waves will be gone...all that will remain is the manageable tide. I love you. <3
ReplyDeletewhat Cinomin said! :) Love you Honey! Have a wonderful, healing trip with Renato. Sending you lots of Magic and Peace.
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