I heard this statement a lot in the beginning of this journey. I didn't really understand it, but assumed I would one day get it. I think I am starting to understand this statement.
Things don't get better...
Well, they do get easier, I guess, but not better. I don't really have moments where I feel amazing, or great, like I used to. I am okay, and I am learning how to keep my emotions in control when I need to. If I start to cry in the store, I can quickly tell myself that there are people around me and I should wait until I am in the car to lose it. I can be around babies, and not feel horrible. I can talk about my son, and my birth experiences without too many tears, and feel comfortable sharing all that information with anyone. More than not having the feelings I had at the beginning, the anger, the rage, the disbelief, the sadness...I have just learned how to manage that and control it better than I did in the beginning.
...They just get different.
This is more true than I realized. I will never be happy that this experience happened, and I will never think that this really was for the best. I will never, in my time on earth, stop missing Mateo. But, things get different. I have learned to live with more compassion, because I never know what that jerk on the highway is dealing with. I have learned to love more openly, because you never know when something can happen and the people in your life will not be there anymore. And above all else, I have learned to be grateful for what is in front of me today, because a bigger house, more money, less debt, and nicer things, will not make me happy. Being skinnier won't take away sadness, and being prettier won't take away regrets. I have learned to be okay with who I am, and to really look at myself with eyes of love.
I have noticed that a lot of people I know who have gone through this feel the same things. And, sadly, sometimes the people in their life don't know what to say, so they often say the wrong things. I want to help those who don't know what to say, to know what may be helpful and isn't. Please know, that if you have already said these things to someone dealing with child loss, it is okay, most of the time we just take the intention and move on. But, here are some suggestions of things to avoid:
1. "Don't worry, you will have more children" - This may not always be the case, and even if it is, that is the furthest thing from our minds in the beginning. We can never replace the child that we lost, and this is very hard to hear while mourning the loss of a baby. **Note: Also, please don't say this to people who are grieving the loss of a pet, it hurts in that situation as well.**
2. "God wanted to have your child with him" - For those who believe in God, this is painful because why would God give you a pregnancy, and then take it away. It sounds so cruel. Second, for those who don't believe in God, it means nothing, and shows that you aren't thinking of them, and what they believe.
3. "It is for the best" - What could be better than a child being alive and living with their parents? How can losing a child be the best thing for someone's life? There is always a silver lining, or some good that come out of things, but to say that this was the best outcome just hurts, and is not compassionate at all.
4. "But you didn't even see a baby, or you weren't very far along" - This is said a lot when there is a miscarriage. As soon as parents find out that they are expecting, they start to bond with the baby. They imagine what it will be like to see their baby for the first time and start to imagine the baby growing, if it will be a boy or girl. They have hopes and dreams, and fears, just like anyone else. When they lose their child, they lose all of those hopes and dreams, and their greatest fears are realized. This grief is very real, and that child not being honored or remembered is terribly sad and hurtful.
5. "It is time to move on, or You should be over this by now", or any variation of this statement. This includes if they have other children before or after the baby they lost. First, every parent grieves in their own time, and there is no right way, or wrong way to grieve. It may take months or years to be able to go out in public, or move out of anger, rage, and especially guilt. Please don't rush grieving parents, just be there to listen and provide a shoulder to cry on. Second, a new baby, or previous children don't erase the memory or pain of losing an individual child. Even and especially including twins or triplets where one or more children pass away. Each child is loved differently and uniquely by their parents and having one child there may give some strength, but can't replace the child/ren they lost.
The best thing you can say is: "I am so sorry for your loss, and am here if you need to talk." This means more than anything you could say to someone, and while nothing can take a way the pain, it helps us know that you are there and that we are not alone.
The very worst thing you can say, even worse than anything listed above, is nothing. To act like nothing happened, or ignore the parents, is the most painful thing a friend can do. There are those who have said absolutely nothing, and for me, there is more anger toward those people, than anyone else, for anything else. It makes a parent feel like those people refuse to acknowledge their child/ren and their friendship means nothing. So please, even if you don't know what to say, say something, or just give a hug. It means the world to us.
I hope this is helpful...
Blessings to you all!
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