So, recently I have been seeing a lot, and hearing a lot about scheduled c-sections, I just wanted to share my experiences and thoughts in a little post.
So, many of you know that Maya was delivered by scheduled c-section, due to her size and the fact that I had gestational diabetes, and she could get very big. They thought she was going to be a few pounds heavier than she was, and so we planned a c-section for my due date. She was born at 9 pounds even, and although that is bigger than some babies, I felt a little cheated out of the whole birthing experience, and carried a lot of anger for a long time about it.
Fast forward a few years and my pregnancy with Mateo was more than perfect...no problems, no gestation diabetes, no high blood pressure, no anything out of the ordinary...he was even measuring a little small at the ultrasounds...so there was no reason to plan a c-section with him. We even had a separate doctor that we were seeing who was making sure we were making all the right decisions in regards to the VBAC, and would check to make sure there wasn't anything preventing it. There never was...
So after a somewhat high risk pregnancy, and a c-section, we realized that it may have been un-necessary, but we were grateful to have a healthy baby in our arms. And then, after this beautiful, perfect pregnancy, without any problems what-so-ever, I had a successful VBAC...but my son didn't live.
I have heard a lot of comments (Not to me, personally, but about other mothers' losses) "If only she had a c-section, she would have a healthy baby."
I know that many people have thought that about our story, and I have thought it myself many, many times. It may be true, maybe if I had a c-section, I would be holding my baby. But, it may not be true either...we don't know what would have happened.
A healthy person, who is in great shape, who runs every day, and then all of a sudden dies of a heart attack, wouldn't have known that could happen, so how could he have prevented it. We don't live in hospitals just in case our kids get sick. We don't stay home everyday afraid, just in case we are going to get into an accident. That isn't how life works.
It is very easy to look back and say that we would change decisions we have made, hind sight is 20/20...but we all make decisions everyday with the best intentions in mind. Every baby loss mother that I know did the best she could with what she had. I have friends now that have lost more than most people can imagine...and everyone of them blames them self one way or another. Even when there is no reason to...we are parents and we feel like it is our job to protect our kids, and when we can't...we can't help but take the blame on ourselves...
I made the decision to have a natural birth, because that is what was best for my child and for me. A peaceful birth without drugs or surgeries...so we could have the best chance to bond...a birth with the least amount of harm. And, had one doctor looked at me and said, "You need a c-section" I wouldn't have hesitated...but none ever did. There was never a reason...
I am writing this mostly for those who still take the blame on yourselves for what happened to your babies...whatever the reason. Or for those family or friends of a baby loss parent that you feel could have made a different choice...
We all did the best we could, and no one is supported or healed by blame. Love, is the only answer.
Blessings to every person who reads this,
Cerise
No comments:
Post a Comment