One of those days

So today has been very emotional for me...I am not sure what the trigger was, but I cried a lot today. Maybe I just needed a crying day.

I think a lot of about the moments I will never have, and often feel like I am not supposed to be doing any of this. I often relate it to someone who has been left at the altar. The wedding plans have been made, the guests have been invited, everything is in place, and then the day of celebration turns to a day of utter sadness...All the hopes and dreams, slip away. There are no wedding memories to remember, no honeymoon moments to grieve...all there is to grieve is what might have been. What could have been.

I had a dream a few days before Mateo passed away. In the dream, I had already had him, and was holding him, and feeding him. He was staring up into my eyes, almost smiling. This is the only memory of seeing him look at me that I have, and it was just a dream...I won't ever know if his smile would really look like that, or if his eyes would have looked at me that way...

I know that this sadness will not ever go away, I will never miss him less, and my heart will always have a space where his memory sits...and I know life will go on, and days will get brighter, and things will look better. So, I guess some days are just meant for him to be remembered...some days are just meant to be cried out. Today, was one of those days.