Today my sweet baby Mateo would have been two weeks old. I would have been showing off his pictures and getting emails and notes of congratulations on my little boy. I used to joke that every time we saw him on Ultrasound he was sucking his hand, so he was going to be a very hungry little boy. I just knew he would keeop me busy day and night with eating.
Instead, I am kept up at night with thoughts of why he is not here, and what I could have done to change that. I have asked myself, "If only I had a c-section at 39 weeks, would he be here in my arms?", "If I had asked to be induced, or if they had actually found a problem, would it have made a difference?"
But, here is what I know: Everything always happens for a reason, there is always a higher plan and my job is not to know the why, or the how, but to have faith and know that my highest and best good, and the highest and best good for all concerned, is always done.
As a very close friend of mine told me today, "If you had been able to change it, it will just make you feel guilty. If it was a horrible accident, that couldn't have been prevented, you will always be afraid that it will happen again. There isn't anything that will make it better...it just hurts and you can't change it, no matter what."
I am realizing how true this is, and am grateful for those words.
I really am holding up alright, I still don't want this and wish it would not have turned out this way...but I also know that there is nothing that could be done to change it. I have to know that he is still with me in the end, it's just a different way than what I had planned.
In love and light,
Cerise
Cerise, I came here after reading Maisha's comment on Facebook.
ReplyDeleteI am deeply sorry about Mateo. It is the nightmare that should never happen, yet it does, every single day. I wish I have better words for you, if only the fact that you do not walk this path alone. I am almost four years out on this journey, and I can tell you it will ease, but it never ceases. The ache never ever goes away because you never stop loving Mateo.
I hope you surround yourself with love and support. Sending my care your way,
Janis
Dear Cerise,
ReplyDeleteI loved following your pregnancy with dear sweet Mateo. I loved when you shared information about him growing and when you posted pictures of your baby belly.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and I am so glad that you and Renato have faith in that.
Love beaming your way,
Kristina
Last night I happened to watch an episode of Hawthorne, featuring the story of a mother and a baby born still. I cried myself to sleep! I still can't believe that this happened to you....weird that the story was on last night! I love you, Renato, Maya and Mateo, and you are in my heart and prayers.
ReplyDeleteGiva - I wished they talked about it more. I sometimes feel like grabbing every pregnant woman I see and yelling at her that she has no idea what could happen. It feels surreal to us...like we are still inside of a nightmare that we can't wake up from.
ReplyDeleteKristina - Thank you so much for your support. We are making it one day at a time, especially because we feel so loved.
Janis - Thank you so much for your message. I have been reading your blog and it saddens me that anyone else has to feel these pains. Sadder still that people don't really know that this still happens to ordinary families. Thank you for the courage to share your story, your heartbreak and especially your angel with others.
I am inside the nightmare with you, Honey! I just know, that time will heal some of the pain! Remember, how we talked about, that there is divine order in everything? I am actually happy that we had "no idea" that this could happen. Fear would have taken away so much of the Joy and Beauty of your pregnancy and time with Mateo!!! Nothing would have changed the outcome! You did everything right! XXX <3 <3 <3
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