Today is Father's Day

Well today is Father's Day. Renato is handling everything well, as a new father to an angel baby. We looked at his photo this morning and everyday we remember him lovingly, but today was much more bittersweet. Maya came over and hugged us, her intuition is strong, and she always knows just when we need her. 

There has been much more peace the last couple of days, I am not sure why, and it may not last. Yesterday was the first day that I didn't cry, don't get me wrong, I thought about Mateo all day, but I did not cry about him. I woke up this morning feeling guilty, that I could be so strong, so soon. There are women on my Stillbirth Forums that, months and years later, can't go a day without crying. But, I decided that it is okay to remember him fondly, and not be sad for him. He isn't really gone. I can still feel him around me, so I think that helps. 

I know there will be days when I lose it again, so I am just being as peaceful as I can until I get there. This is not an easy road...but these roads are never easy for anyone. Whether it is the loss of a child or a parent or a friend, or a sibling, grief is a journey. It is a journey with no destination. You will not arrive at a place where everything is as you want it, and you cannot turn back or bypass the road. You can't just decide not to do it, although some try, it doesn't work. It is a road you must take, and everyone takes it differently. So I walk my journey. 

There are those that I am seeing take this journey alone, whether they really are doesn't matter. They choose to walk their road alone. I take mine with 10,000 angels. You are all among those angels. I am stronger because I will not have to walk this journey alone. 

When I was pregnant, and planning my VBAC, I knew that the road would be hard. I used to envision the scene from Avatar where they are all at the Tree of Souls and they are connected to the Earth and then they are also connected to each other. I would see my loved ones all there holding me. That strength helped me in the hard times then, and this vision helps me now. 

How can I feel alone with you all by my side? How can I feel isolated or in despair? 

I can feel sad, angry, robbed, cheated, and devastated...and I do, but I am so grateful that I do not feel alone. 

Blessings, 

Cerise