Today I choose to be grateful

Today, I decided I can’t just be sad…I am so much more than that. I am also grateful. I am grateful that Mateo lived, that he lived in me for 41 glorious weeks. That I felt him move, kick, punch, turn and twist, and felt him grow. That I got to give birth to him and felt him being born. I got to fulfill my promise to him to have a VBAC and allow him to come in his own time. I got to hold him and kiss him and hold his hand. For all of these things I am so very grateful.

I am grateful that I have an amazing husband, who stood by my side. Who encouraged me, who cried with me, loved with me. I am grateful that he and I are stronger than we ever knew we were. That we are taking this day by day, and moment by moment, but always together.

I am grateful for my beautiful daughter, who doesn’t consciously understand what is happening, but who is grieving with us, and comforting us intuitively. Her smile, her love, her kisses and hugs…they save me, every moment of the day. They remind me that I am a mother, that I am a good mother.

I am grateful for my first midwife Stephanie Soderblom, who gave me hope and helped me trust in my body and my baby. Who inspired me and befriended me during my pregnancy and then helped me so much to give birth to him knowing that he had already left.

I am grateful for my midwife Angela and my doula Ariela, who stood next to me as we gave birth and gave me strength and hope to keep going. They never left our sides, they talked me through every tear and every push and helped me in a time when I felt helpless, and for that I am so thankful.

I am grateful that I am not hopeless, there has never been a moment where I thought I wouldn’t make it through this. Never a moment where I have felt like had been forsaken or forgotten. I am grateful that I feel strong, and loved.

I am grateful for our family and friends, who have been amazingly supportive and overwhelmingly present, even the ones who are so far physically from us. For letting me call you anytime and cry to you, and with you. And, the emails, the notes, the phone calls, the messages on Facebook, telling us that we are never alone, mean so much to us. I am grateful for the inspiring messages and people who have gone through this as well, sharing their stories with us and showing us that everything will be okay, that we will never forget, but that we will heal.

I am so grateful to my church family, I can feel you all loving us, and supporting us in all ways. It is amazing that I have always felt so loved by all of you, and yet now, I realize there is a level I never knew existed. Thank you for being my spiritual home.

I am grateful for those who will talk about this with me, because I have to talk to heal. I want to share every moment of this, because it is as beautiful as it is sad. Thank you for laughing with me, and grieving with me, and letting me share Mateo’s life with you.

I am so grateful, that I know that with all of you, I will make it through this.

Today, I choose to be grateful.