New Babies

So, I am seeing a counselor now, and at my appointment this week he asked me to think about the idea of "New Babies" and what they mean to me...so I thought I would share a blog post.

For me, new babies are hope. They are the perfect idea of miracles, and love and absolute perfection bundled into soft, sweet smelling skin, and cuddly cuteness. They remind me that life is precious and that there is still good in the world. Because if there wasn't, those little bundles of joy wouldn't exist.

Some may say, "Isn't it hard to see babies and be around them, knowing that you are on the losing end?", and maybe for a moment, I am sad about all that I have lost...but then I look into those little eyes, and I melt. There is such a beautiful innocence...this child has never known suffering (I hope), has never known loss or utter desperation. This baby has a clean slate, a world of possibilities, and an endless supply of love.

And then, in that moment, I am reminded that even though bad things happen, look at all of the wonderful things that out number them. Life really is good...

I know this is what my little Mateo would want me to remember...and so in remembering, I honor him.

Perspective

So, I have really had to work hard to find perspective lately in the realm of stillbirth. I realized that when you read so many bad stories, and hear so many sad endings, you forget that even though stillbirth is not as rare as we once believed, it is also not the norm.

Every time I find out someone is pregnant I cringe, and then I pray and hope for a happy ending. Now, I am sure that there is nothing wrong with wanting a happy ending, but I realize that I keep assuming the worst, because I now know what the worst is. The thing is, that life is such a miracle, because the chances of something happening are low. Just because something can go wrong, doesn't mean that it will.

It is very hard for me, being a statistic, and experiencing the worst scenario, to remember that fear is not always necessary...this is the reason every doctor doesn't worry constantly about each patient, and the reason that every pregnant woman is not in tears always about every possible problem...because chances are, everything will be just fine.

Does that mean we should take chances with our health? No, but making informed decisions, and doing our best is usually all that is necessary to ensure a positive outcome.

Sometimes, things still go wrong. I am living proof, that you can do everything right, and still not have a happy ending, but that is how life works. We never know what will happen, and we can't live all of our lives afraid. (I also know that sometimes it is someone else's fault that things happen, that is a different situation.)

So I have to remember to look at the big picture, and give myself a healthy dose of perspective.

Birth and Death are two separate events...

I have been thinking about this a lot...since Mateo's Memorial service actually. Rev. Michele read some of the poem "The Dash", which I had concerns about having read at the service. This poem talks about someone who speaks at a funeral referring to the dates on the tombstone of a friend, and says that the dates are not what matters most, but the dash between them. Reverend Michele stopped there and said that for Mateo, it seems that there is no dash, actually on his tombstone, there is only one date, but that just because he had never taken a breath of air does not mean that he didn't live.

He did live, for 41 full weeks. He kicked and turned, and punched and elbowed me...we would watch him suck him hand and kick his little legs at our Ultrasounds. He practiced his breathing and grew every day to be able to be able to continue to survive in this world, but him only living in the womb, didn't make him any less ALIVE.

I am pointing this out because there are always two events that are major in our lives. One is birth, we have all experienced it, from one side or another. It is a miracle that we are alive. We not only survived throughout the entire pregnancy of our mothers, we also survived birth, and every hazard that this world presented us with. Whether you believe in God, or not, it is still a miracle that we are here. Look at all the things that are against us everyday...and everyday, we wake up breathing...

And then there is death...this completely mysterious thing that so many fear all of their lives. That fear can be all encompassing, yes, there are those that cannot live for fear of death. And, then others work through that fear and live our passions and our lives with wild abandon. But, the majority of people live somewhere in the middle...afraid of death, but not really comfortable with it. They know that bad things happen, but when they do, they don't know what to say or how to deal with it. They feel bad, but they don't want to think to hard or long about that fact that those things could happen to them.

We are so afraid of death, because with the theories and all the ideas about death that we have...we really don't understand it at all. We hope that there is something out there, and want to always think that our loved ones are watching out for us. I do believe that they are, but everyone believes something different.

We struggle so much with these life events, but really they are the same. You can't have one without the other, and once you experience the first one, it is just a countdown to the second.

So what do you do with your countdown, with your dash? Have you let your fear, and your doubt, keep you from living the life that you want? I have...there was a time when I was so afraid of dying that I was frozen in fear. But every death of a loved one that I experience, somehow helps me step out a little more. I don't know how much I have here. It could be a year, or it could be 40 more. Today I will live my life with wild abandon...I will love more, and give more. Because when I do die, I want my legacy to be love...

I am not afraid anymore...I know that I am loved here, and I have so much love waiting for me there...that there is nothing left to be afraid of.

Stillbirth makes me feel like a loser...

I hate to say it is such simple terms...but there are a lot of thoughts that I am broken...I know that those thoughts are irrational, but that doesn't stop me from having them. I have even had thoughts that my son thought I was going to be a bad mom, so he left me. Especially since I have my own abandonment issues, this kind of thing brings up all sorts of emotions. I know that these things are ridiculous, but part of me still fears that they are true. Is this God's way of telling me I am a bad mother and I deserve any more children? Is this proof that I am a good mother to a daughter, but a bad mother to a son? Maybe my body can only carry girls to full term...somehow boys are not the same and my body is broken in that sense? I even thought for a few minutes right after it happened, that it was punishment for not paying my tithes....I kept thinking, "What thing could I have done, that was so bad, that I deserved this?"

Trying to find a why, and not finding one can be very hard. Especially since we all want to know why. "Your baby is perfect, and your body is perfect, and there wasn't anything wrong...oh, except your baby isn't alive." Doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. If he had a disorder, or some sort of growth issue, or a disease no one knew about...but "nothing" is so hard to take. It is also sometimes hard to stay away from jealousy..."Why do other people get happy endings, but somehow, I don't"

This is where I try very hard to distinguish between grief, and victim-hood. I am allowed to be sad, but allowing my grief to make me a victim, will only make me feel worse, and it will make other people not want to continue to support me. I think there is a huge difference between coming to terms with something, and not allowing yourself to move on. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone grieves differently, and only I know what this place is for me...but I really want to make sure I stay on this side of the fence, if you know what I mean?

I have had to make sure that I don't keep Mateo's things in front of me all the time, I have his picture and his bear on a shelf in my closet, but I don't keep them prominent in my room or in my living room. It isn't that I want to forget him, I never could, but I know that if I force myself to look at his photo everyday, or to see his baby things, I won't be able to keep going. I try very hard to allow myself certain times to think of him and what happened, so that I don't just lose it at inopportune times. (Although that always can't be helped) I know that this sounds like I am managing my pain and grief, and in a way I am. I need to keep going and be a mom to Maya and keep doing what I need to do, and so I try to give myself what I need, without thinking about it all the time, so that I don't get lost in it.

The hardest thing for me now is the anger...I have gotten more angry as time goes on. I am starting counseling so that I can talk about a lot of this, and see if I can't let go of some of this anger as well...I hope that helps.

So this is my life right now...what I am going through and thinking...tomorrow will be a new day, with new feelings and we will see what those are when the sun comes up again. Everyday is a different adventure.

Until then...

Thank you...

There are days where I don't want to get out of bed...and days when I don't know if I can go on. Part of me wishes I could just sleep forever, so that I can dream of a life where I have my son...but I get up every day because there are people who love me, and believe in me, and know that I can make it. Thank you for being those people.

I love you...

Remembering you in everything I do...

I haven't been told that I should forget you...but that I must accept that you are gone. I guess this is true because I think I spent the first month trying to wake up from my nightmare. After that I realized that I couldn't...that this was now real life...and now, I strain to remember what it felt like when you kicked me...I have to go back and look at what your little nose looked like. I guess it is inevitable that I will forget some things, and others I will never forget. But, no matter what I do, I will never forget about you. I think of you ever moment...when I am out, I think about how you would look in your sisters arms, or about how I would be taking a hundred photos of you cooing and smiling. Maya asks about you almost everyday, she wants to hold you, and touch your face. I always tell her that we can't hold you, and she says, "okay", but I know she won't understand for a long time.

I still touch my stomach sometimes and remember you there...I guess I always will...I still love you, we all do.

There is only love...

Sometimes when I am lost for words, I just remember to love. Love is the answer to every question...and sometimes there is so much evidence that we are not remembering it, or that we have forgotten completely that it is what we all need. No matter what we are going through, no matter what stresses or pain or problem we are experiencing at the moment...pure love will always heal.

Today is a day to remember all those children that have been lost to pregnancy and infant loss. Today is a day of pure love...not just a day feel sorry for the families, but a day to acknowledge the lives of their children, no matter when they died. To know that however short their precious lives, they still lived...they were still born, and that it is completely acceptable to say their names, and to talk about them. Their lives are made more beautiful by it, and their families are honored by the remembering of others. In fact, they feel loved that way.

Today, say the name of a child that has been lost too soon, send love to the families of those children and know that love prevails...and the world is made more peaceful because of it.

Love to you all, always.

Cerise