He would be 28 days old today...

Today is a hard day for me again...I realized today that Maya, smiled for the first time when she was 28 days old . My little Mateo would be smiling at me today...I wish I knew what that little smile looked like. I wish I could look into his little eyes and tell him how much I love him. How much I wanted him, and prayed for him, and planned for him. How grateful I was to have him. How much we all looked forward to seeing him and raising him. I will always miss him...he will always be in my heart. 

4 weeks ago today...

It is starting to get easier...I can actually see his picture without crying. I can remember him and smile, sometimes. It still hurts, and I am still sad. But, I feel like I am starting to accept what has happened. I spent a lot of time trying to find out how I could change it. Then I spent more time trying to find out why it was all my fault. Now I am accepting it, and learning how to forgive myself. I realized that although there is no reason to hold the blame, I do blame myself...I am his mother, it was my job to protect him. And I did. I did everything that I was supposed to do. I checked and rechecked and rechecked again everything I could have. There is nothing more I could have done, unless I could have seen into the future. Now, I just have to let it go. I have to release the guilt and allow myself to grieve. It is easier said than done. But I am starting this process.

I forgive me, I forgive me
Everything that I've been holding onto, I let go
I surrender, I surrender
I'm ready for my change, yes I am ready for my change ~ Rickie Byars Beckwith

Pondering the future...

Renato and I were talking last night about the future and what it holds for us. I was telling him that the thought of being pregnant makes me very happy, but that I long to still be pregnant with Mateo and for the outcome to be different. I also said that the thought of being pregnant again in the future with a little girl, makes me sad. Not because I don't want another girl, but because I want my little boy, my little Mateo. Renato reminded me that even if I was pregnant in the future with a little boy, it wouldn't be the same little boy.

Then we started talking about how we were so set against having more children after him. That we were done and our family was going to be complete. We realized that if that was the case, the next child we have would never have been born...what a sad thought...that we will have children that we never would have had if this didn't happen.

These are the things I ponder today...

Today I promise...

Today, I promise not to take anything for granted. I promise to appreciate the sun that I have, because I have known the darkness. I promise to stop and listen to the waves and the birds singing, because I have known the frightful and deafening silence. I promise to be aware of the good and abundance all around me, because I have known the cold emptiness. I promise to hold my family closer, because I have known the sadness of empty arms. I promise to be grateful for every moment that I live, because I have seen death. I promise to be a friend and allow my friends to be there for me as well, because I have known loneliness. I promise to be here, present in the now, because the past is but a memory, and the future is not promised to me. Today I promise not to take anything for granted.

Things I miss...

I miss the smell of his hair after a bath, although I have never smelled it. I miss the sound of his cry at night, although I have never heard it. I miss him looking into my eyes while he is breastfeeding, although I have never seen them. I miss the feel of his hand grasping my finger, although I have never felt it.

I miss the laughter and the tears and the happiness and joys of raising a beautiful little boy. I miss his first smile, his first spoonful of food, his first laugh, him rolling over, him crawling. I miss his first steps and his first words. I miss his first day of school, his first illness, his first nightmare. I miss story time with him, singing to him while he falls asleep. I miss watching his big sister play with him. I miss trying to get them to stop fighting. I miss cuddling with them both while we watch tv at night. I miss running after him at home, at the playground. I miss the photos I never got to take. I miss the videos of him I never got to make. I miss doing homework with him and his first school dance. I miss watching him fall in love, and having his heart broken. I miss his wedding, and his spouse. I miss his children. I miss watching him grow.

I miss all the things that I never got to know. I miss my little Mateo so.

I still Believe

Today I was contemplating sadness and grief...I was realizing that this process will continue for a long time. Long after people have all but forgotten that they had a friend who lost a baby. Long after all the talking about it and learning about it is done. Long after we have another child and have moved on with our family. After all that is done, we will still be remembering our little Mateo. He will always be our son, our child we wanted so badly. I know that, and have come to terms with it.

I was also reading about those who lose hope, who lose faith, in the face of such tragedy. I thought how sad, to lose faith when you need it the most. I stopped and thought, do I still believe? Yes, yes I do.

I still believe that God is good, that life is good. I still believe that I will never be given more than I can handle, and that everything happens for a reason. I still believe that right will always win, and good will always triumph over evil. I still believe that prayers are answered and truth prevails. I still believe in the power of love. I still believe in my health and my body and still trust in it's process.

Why? How can I believe in the face of such sadness? Because I know that without those things the world would fall apart, sadness and despair would be everywhere and darkness would have overcome. Since that is not the case, I still believe. I believe all this because Mateo was proof that all these things are true, and his death can't disprove that, because his life was too strong and too beautiful.

Still counting weeks...

Today is 3 weeks since I started labor...I don't know how many weeks I will get to before they all start running together and I start just remembering the 1st of the month, when I delivered him.

Today is not as hard as a week was, or as hard as two weeks, so I feel like they are getting a little better each week that goes by.

I don't cry as often, and I do laugh and smile. I know that it will get better, so I am just trusting the process.

Thank you for reading...blessings to you all.