We went to visit the grave where Renato's grandparents are buried for Father's Day. I tried to focus on why we were there, to pay our respects to them...but seeing the space next to their plot where my little Mateo will be buried, I just lost it and started crying. I think that once we bury him it will make it more real, and that will be a different level of mourning for me. Right now, he is gone, but there is no marker, no stone. This will be so final...
Today I am pouring myself into reading others stories...somehow it helps me to read others sadness, and know that we are connected, bonded maybe, by such tragedies.
I find it hard to connect with people lately, I guess that it normal, and I hope that people understand. I keep thinking that when I get home, I will be able to put all of this behind me and things will go back to normal, but I don't think that is true...I won't forget, It won't ever be as it was. I will heal, and I will move on, but I will also always have my little angel in heaven. I should say my angels, because he is my second angel, although I barely knew my first.
I went to the doctor last week, and saw my statistics on paper, and it was sad for me. One live birth, two losses, advancing maternal age. Mix that with my weight and previous gestational diabetes and I have become a new level of High Risk, even though none of these had anything to do with our loss, it still hurts to see it all laid out.
We planned on this being our last pregnancy, but we also planned on having a live baby at the end of it. We planned on our family being complete, our little girl and boy, our little Maya and Mateo, exactly 3 1/2 years apart...our perfect family.
This is such a sobering event...to realize with so much sadness, and so much force, that we really aren't in control of anything.
So today I contemplate the meaning of surrender...I surrender...?
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