It is starting to get easier...I can actually see his picture without crying. I can remember him and smile, sometimes. It still hurts, and I am still sad. But, I feel like I am starting to accept what has happened. I spent a lot of time trying to find out how I could change it. Then I spent more time trying to find out why it was all my fault. Now I am accepting it, and learning how to forgive myself. I realized that although there is no reason to hold the blame, I do blame myself...I am his mother, it was my job to protect him. And I did. I did everything that I was supposed to do. I checked and rechecked and rechecked again everything I could have. There is nothing more I could have done, unless I could have seen into the future. Now, I just have to let it go. I have to release the guilt and allow myself to grieve. It is easier said than done. But I am starting this process.
I forgive me, I forgive me
Everything that I've been holding onto, I let go
I surrender, I surrender
I'm ready for my change, yes I am ready for my change ~ Rickie Byars Beckwith
I support you, and I love you...and it was not your fault!
ReplyDelete