Staying busy

So everyday I want to stay in bed and cry, and I think this is the normal reaction to this situation. I don't though, because I know that if I did I might lose myself completely. I do give myself time to grieve and I cry and think about my little Mateo, but I also go out and find things to do. I remind myself that I am still a mommy to Maya, and she needs me to be there for her too. I can't say how much she means to me. I don't know if I could do this if I didn't have her.

I had a doctors appointment yesterday and it was a good appointment and although the first time I saw this doctor, he kept saying that it could have been prevented, and I just wasn't monitored enough. This time he just kept saying that he wished there was a way to prevent it. Renato explained all of the tests, and the autopsy reports and the doctor just kept saying it was such a sad accident. I could feel his sadness, and his sympathy. I know that everyone who hears this story feels that. I kept telling myself that this was like being hit by a drunk driver, or a guy who accidentally runs a red light...but in those situations there is someone to blame. This is more like the extremely healthy guy who runs marathons and is in perfect shape and one day he goes for a jog and his heart just stops. Who do you blame? What could he have done to change it? Nothing.

I have started telling myself that his body could not have worked, that it was broken in some way that they don't know about. I have to tell myself this, because the pain of thinking that he was perfect in every way, and that just a few hours before he was born his cord kinked and killed him, is too much. No, I don't think I could keep going right now if I follow that road.

Today I have an appointment at the US Embassy to find out what we need to do to register his stillbirth and then I have my Tuesday card game today because Tuesday we couldn't do it. Hopefully, these things will continue to help me cope.

And in those moments, when I allow myself to remember, and to cry. I remember all of the good. His perfect 3D ultrasound photos and videos, my belly pics, my daughter talking to her little brother and telling him she loved him. Us hoping, and waiting for the perfect day when we would get to see him. Now we are just waiting a little longer to see him again.

I will leave you with something beautiful that happened the day after Mateo was born. I kept telling Maya that once he was born, she was going to be my big helper. She used to say that she would sing to him when he was going to sleep. The day after I gave birth to my angel, Maya asked me where he was. I told her that he was sleeping. She laid her head on my now empty belly and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".

This is the most beautiful quote, I read it on another mothers blog about her baby's stillbirth.

"Some people dream of angels, we held one in our arms"

Blessings,

Cerise