It has been a long time since I have written here...things have changed so much. We now have two little boys who take up a lot of time and attention, but wouldn't have it any other way. We are so blessed and have so much to be thankful for, and even with everything going on, I still think of you every day.

Yes, on the outside I seem to have moved on, I smile, I laugh...I even joke around. I am happy, and joyful...and yet there is still a hole inside. I still steal away at least once a day to cry...tears still roll down my face when I hear your name, even if it is given to another child. I still wish things were different, and think about what life would be like if you were here with us.

Oh, it would be busy! A 5 year old, a 18 month old, and twin 5 month olds...but it would be amazing to hear your voice, to watch you walking around and see your precious smile...To cuddle with you during movies, and sing to you as you fall asleep.

This is the second Christmas without you, I can't believe time has passed so quickly...it feels like just yesterday we had to say goodbye. I can still feel your little fingers on my thumb, and I can still smell the sweetness of your hair. I wish I could kiss you again and again and again. I wish that I could hold you again and whisper "I Love you" into your ear. I want you to know that I think of you every time I kiss the boys, every time I hold them...I kiss them extra for you.

Yes, things may look normal around here...but nothing is ever "normal" for an angel mommy. There is always one piece of her that is waiting for here somewhere else. I love you precious angel of mine...I love you always and forever...

Happy Birthday

Well today is your day, today I honor you. I honor your life, and your love. Every precious kick, every punch. Every ultrasound I got of you sucking your fist. I honor and love you for every moment that you were with me and every memory I now have to cherish.

I once said, in my saddest moment, that I wish that I had just had a miscarriage...I said that I wish I had never had the sadness of losing you at the last moment of pregnancy...but I don't. I am grateful I got to see your face, to name you, to love you and hold you. I am grateful that I know whose ears you had. I am glad I got to see that you had my grandmother's toes and fingers...and your father's cheeks. I am glad I got to see how much like me you looked, and how much beautiful curly hair you had on your head.

As the song goes, "My life is better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

Thank you for the dance we shared baby boy, I will cherish it always.

Birthday...

Tomorrow is your birthday...so I went and bought balloons. I walked down the isle and saw all the paper plates, and cups and birthday cards...the decorations, and treats for all the guests. But, I won't be needing any of that, there is no cake and ice cream, no party, no guests. I bought balloons, but not in celebration, instead we will write on them beautiful words, and tell you how much we love you. We will put stickers and hearts on them and send them into the sky, hoping that they will reach you in Heaven.

They don't make cards and for babies who never took an earthly breath...no one puts up streamers, or calls to wish you a happy birthday. I don't even know how many people will even remember you tomorrow on your day. But your family will...I will tell Maya that it is your birthday, and that we will send you all our love at 7pm...we will light little candles and stand by the pond...and release your balloons, and we will speak your name. Because you did live my little boy, you did, and we will always remember you and speak of you...you will never be forgotten. Your life made a difference, no matter how short on earth it was. You matter...and I love you.

This time last year...

This time last year, I was dancing with you and begging you to make your appearance. I was 6 days past due...and you had dropped so much that I knew it would be any moment...

This time last year, I had your crib set up and your bottles washed and all of your clothes folded and ready. We joked that you would probably be too big to every wear your newborn clothes. Your dad and I spoke every night of what you would look like, and how adorable your cheeks would be. I dreamt about you and your beautiful eyes, and told your dad how in my dreams you were starving all the time. I just knew you would come out and you would eat all day every day.

This time last year I was only 24 hours away from going into labor, and had no clue I was that close...it felt like forever.

This time last year I imagined our life together...I thought about your little hands and feet and how perfect they would be. I could almost close my eyes and see your face. I had my 3D ultrasound photos and wondered how close you would really look to them.

Your big sister Maya would wake up and tell me about how she would take care of you, and watch over you...we told her what an amazing big sister she would be.

This time last year I sang to you and spoke to you...I remember saying to you, "My little Mateo...I hope you know that I would do anything for you. I would never put you in any harm...I love you more than life and I don't care how you come into this world as long as you are healthy"

This time last year I had an appointment with a High Risk OB, who checked and measured and looked at ultrasounds and told me there was no reason that he or anyone else could find to do a c-section...you were just taking a little longer to bake than we thought.

This time last year I was blissfully unaware that your soul had a different journey...that you were too beautiful for earth.

This time last year, I didn't know that I only had 2 days left with you...that my heart would break into a million pieces...I didn't know how empty my arms would feel and how my soul would ache everyday forever, living without you.

This time last year, you were still with me...and now, you are getting ready to celebrate your first birthday in Heaven...instead of here on earth with me.

Oh how I wish I had a do over...what I wouldn't give to be taken back to this moment...last year.

I haven't forgotten...

I walk into a room and everyone lights up, because there are three of us now. Everyone is so happy and I am too...and, I still haven't forgotten you.

Maya tells me, there will be three children in our family now, but I gently remind her we have a baby waiting for us in heaven, because I still haven't forgotten you.

I read about how the babies are growing, and get excited that I might actually bring them home this time...and, I still haven't forgotten you.

Every morning I look at your beautiful face on the picture of you that I have, I smile and I cry, knowing that you are loved, even though you are not here...and, I still haven't forgotten you.

I never will, no matter how many days I live on this planet, no matter how many future children I give birth to, no matter the happiness that fills my soul. There will always be a place in this family that you should have filled, a bed you should have occupied, arms that should be wrapped around you...I will always remember that, for as long as I am on this planet...until the day I get to hold you again, and whisper into your ear, "I never forgot you"

I'm Living Proof

Life is not always easy...there are sad, sad days. I hear people say all the time, "I couldn't live through that!"

I want you to know, that I hope you never have to experience some of the things that I have seen. I hope you never have to lose something that is so precious. I pray every day that no one else will ever know this pain...and everyday other families do.

So, since I can't keep the pain from being there, my mission is to show every person who meets me that they are stronger than they know. We all know pain, whether it is the loss of a love, a child, a grandparent, and spouse, their whole family...It could be a job, a house, all your possessions. But, you can live through it...you can find love and peace on the other side. I know, because I'm living proof.

One of the most powerful things is letting go of expectations...that is so easy to say, and so difficult to do. Who wants to go through life thinking something bad could happen. But that is not what I mean. I mean realizing that we don't have control. Life is not something we can command...yes, we can be co-creators, but that is different than forcing the outcome. We can't make everything be okay, we can't force life to go our way...that's not how life works.

We are giving every moment new, we choose how we react to our experiences and choose what to do next. We are not always given easy choices, but every choice that we make is the best we can make in any given moment. Life is always happening, and sometimes it easy to say, "But, I could have done this, or I could have done that." Most things in life are out of our control...all we can do it keep going.

You can keep going, life gets brighter, life gets better and even the darkest day, can lead to something beautiful. You can question every move you make, and not ever move on...I know this because I have lived it. I have gone over that day in my head a million times. There is never an outcome where I bring my baby home. That is where surrender came in...I had to let go. I can't say my life is better...but there is hope in my life, there is still beauty and there is peace. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...

I know, because I am living proof...

The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.

But man, that fear can knock you on your butt!

I have an ultrasound tomorrow morning...I just had one last week. This is the NT test, so they can check for Down Syndrome, which was optional. I chose it because I want one more glimpse that everything is fine in there.

My minster on Sunday spoke about planting the seed for what you want and not digging it up all the time to check and make sure it is growing...and I joked that, "This is why people invented ultrasound technology"

I know that these babies, and myself, deserve to have a beautifully blissful pregnancy, but the knowing and the reality are two different things. There are some roads, that once walked, you can't turn around and be ignorant anymore. However, that doesn't mean I don't have a choice. I know the truth, and I know the Truth.

I know that there isn't a single thing I can do that will guarantee that I am holding healthy screaming babies a the end of this pregnancy. And really, what will worrying get me? Will it change the outcome? Will it make me happier? The answer is no...it won't. It will just make me miss out on this beautiful and amazing experience of LIFE, that is happening within me.

I think back on my pregnancy with Mateo...and I worried then too. But, I loved more than I feared.

I choose love over fear today also...because even if something does happen...I don't want my babies to know that fear. I only want them to know love...

Fear not my child...

There is a song I used to sing as a teenager, actually, I used to sing it with my dad. It was called "Fear Not My Child" It goes:

"Fear not my child, for I am with you always
And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears
Fear not my child, for I'm gonna be with you always
I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"

This song has been in my head for the last few days, as I deal with some fears surrounding the pregnancy. They are not valid fears, there is nothing wrong with me or the babies, but they are, to some extent, expected. I realize that this pregnancy is different, in fact I remind myself daily. The odds are reset, the chances of something happening are not higher or lower because of what happened to Mateo. This is a completely new experience. And yet, when you have experienced this kind of sadness, there is no rational explanation strong enough to force the fear away.

The numbers are simple...the chances of Mateo passing away, from umbilical cord torsion, during labor, at the 41 weeks, were .00003%, but it happened. The chances of us conceiving twins without any treatments or family history were also very low, less than a 5% chance. That makes my brain think that I have some sort of tendency for having low probability things happen to me. Which scares me...

"Fear not my child"...so then, what is the other explanation? Is it possible that neither one of these things happened by chance? Is it possible that Mateo was just not meant to be here with us now? Is it possible that these twins are meant to be here for a specific purpose and that there is some Divine intervention to us conceiving them? "For I am with you always"

When chance is taken out of the equation, it certainly lessens the fear. It is much easier to know that all is well, and that I will end this pregnancy holding healthy babies, by knowing that I am not cursed to only experience the low odds, but that something greater than me is at work. "And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears. Fear not my child" 

And somehow, I know this to be true, that everything is happening in perfect timing. I feel that there is a greater power at work in my life, that my highest and best good is forthcoming. That allows me to breathe...to finally feel just a little bit of relief. "For I am with you always.  I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"

And I find Peace...

It is better to have loved and lost...

I always thought I understood this saying, but I never did, until I finally lived the meaning of it. I can honestly say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved Mateo at all...I also understand the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks more than I ever have before.

It is funny how years of love songs come running through your memory when you lose your baby, and you realize that almost all of the words are able to be related to the loss of a child. "I will always love you", "From now until forever", "There are more than angels watching over me, I believe", "One more day, one more time, one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied, but then again, I know what it would do, leave me wishing still for one more day with you", "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

No matter what, there will always be an empty spot in me, until I am reunited with you...I really will always love you...Rest in Peace my sweet angel Mateito.