This time last year...

This time last year, I was dancing with you and begging you to make your appearance. I was 6 days past due...and you had dropped so much that I knew it would be any moment...

This time last year, I had your crib set up and your bottles washed and all of your clothes folded and ready. We joked that you would probably be too big to every wear your newborn clothes. Your dad and I spoke every night of what you would look like, and how adorable your cheeks would be. I dreamt about you and your beautiful eyes, and told your dad how in my dreams you were starving all the time. I just knew you would come out and you would eat all day every day.

This time last year I was only 24 hours away from going into labor, and had no clue I was that close...it felt like forever.

This time last year I imagined our life together...I thought about your little hands and feet and how perfect they would be. I could almost close my eyes and see your face. I had my 3D ultrasound photos and wondered how close you would really look to them.

Your big sister Maya would wake up and tell me about how she would take care of you, and watch over you...we told her what an amazing big sister she would be.

This time last year I sang to you and spoke to you...I remember saying to you, "My little Mateo...I hope you know that I would do anything for you. I would never put you in any harm...I love you more than life and I don't care how you come into this world as long as you are healthy"

This time last year I had an appointment with a High Risk OB, who checked and measured and looked at ultrasounds and told me there was no reason that he or anyone else could find to do a c-section...you were just taking a little longer to bake than we thought.

This time last year I was blissfully unaware that your soul had a different journey...that you were too beautiful for earth.

This time last year, I didn't know that I only had 2 days left with you...that my heart would break into a million pieces...I didn't know how empty my arms would feel and how my soul would ache everyday forever, living without you.

This time last year, you were still with me...and now, you are getting ready to celebrate your first birthday in Heaven...instead of here on earth with me.

Oh how I wish I had a do over...what I wouldn't give to be taken back to this moment...last year.