There is a song I used to sing as a teenager, actually, I used to sing it with my dad. It was called "Fear Not My Child" It goes:
"Fear not my child, for I am with you always
And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears
Fear not my child, for I'm gonna be with you always
I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"
This song has been in my head for the last few days, as I deal with some fears surrounding the pregnancy. They are not valid fears, there is nothing wrong with me or the babies, but they are, to some extent, expected. I realize that this pregnancy is different, in fact I remind myself daily. The odds are reset, the chances of something happening are not higher or lower because of what happened to Mateo. This is a completely new experience. And yet, when you have experienced this kind of sadness, there is no rational explanation strong enough to force the fear away.
The numbers are simple...the chances of Mateo passing away, from umbilical cord torsion, during labor, at the 41 weeks, were .00003%, but it happened. The chances of us conceiving twins without any treatments or family history were also very low, less than a 5% chance. That makes my brain think that I have some sort of tendency for having low probability things happen to me. Which scares me...
"Fear not my child"...so then, what is the other explanation? Is it possible that neither one of these things happened by chance? Is it possible that Mateo was just not meant to be here with us now? Is it possible that these twins are meant to be here for a specific purpose and that there is some Divine intervention to us conceiving them? "For I am with you always"
When chance is taken out of the equation, it certainly lessens the fear. It is much easier to know that all is well, and that I will end this pregnancy holding healthy babies, by knowing that I am not cursed to only experience the low odds, but that something greater than me is at work. "And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears. Fear not my child"
And somehow, I know this to be true, that everything is happening in perfect timing. I feel that there is a greater power at work in my life, that my highest and best good is forthcoming. That allows me to breathe...to finally feel just a little bit of relief. "For I am with you always. I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"
And I find Peace...
Is it possible that your experience with Mateo will SERVE you as you move forward in this pregnancy and then into parenting your twins? I believe that there is 100% probability of that. Looking from the outside in, Cerise, it is clear that it already has, in magnificent ways. Your energy is HUGE with Life and Appreciation, Love and Joy. Your energy is affecting all of us who know and love you in a VERY positive way, which you may not realize from where you stand at the center of your experience. I have such respect for you and your willingness to share your feelings around this so openly. What you've said in this post can be applied to so very many different things, it can only be of help to anyone going through something that feels frightening to them, no matter what their "something" is. You are a total blessing to us!!
ReplyDeleteCerise... That was Aunt Veras favorite scripture So then Grandma wrote the song for her..... !! If it is going over and over in your head then it is the 2 of them sitting there now with your twins and Mateo telling you "Fear not my child" I so believe in divine Intervention in EVERY part of our lives... So Mateo was not just an accident or a 3% proabilty... The Lord has more instore for Mateo and in return he is blessing you and teaching and strengthing you thru your sadness and loss... This I truly do believe. Mateo Lived as a spirit child of our Heavenly Father before his birth and he still lives now and doing a great work for his Father in Heaven and part of that work is to watch over and comfort and protect the mother he had to leave love you much Aunt DeeDee
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