Fear not my child...

There is a song I used to sing as a teenager, actually, I used to sing it with my dad. It was called "Fear Not My Child" It goes:

"Fear not my child, for I am with you always
And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears
Fear not my child, for I'm gonna be with you always
I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"

This song has been in my head for the last few days, as I deal with some fears surrounding the pregnancy. They are not valid fears, there is nothing wrong with me or the babies, but they are, to some extent, expected. I realize that this pregnancy is different, in fact I remind myself daily. The odds are reset, the chances of something happening are not higher or lower because of what happened to Mateo. This is a completely new experience. And yet, when you have experienced this kind of sadness, there is no rational explanation strong enough to force the fear away.

The numbers are simple...the chances of Mateo passing away, from umbilical cord torsion, during labor, at the 41 weeks, were .00003%, but it happened. The chances of us conceiving twins without any treatments or family history were also very low, less than a 5% chance. That makes my brain think that I have some sort of tendency for having low probability things happen to me. Which scares me...

"Fear not my child"...so then, what is the other explanation? Is it possible that neither one of these things happened by chance? Is it possible that Mateo was just not meant to be here with us now? Is it possible that these twins are meant to be here for a specific purpose and that there is some Divine intervention to us conceiving them? "For I am with you always"

When chance is taken out of the equation, it certainly lessens the fear. It is much easier to know that all is well, and that I will end this pregnancy holding healthy babies, by knowing that I am not cursed to only experience the low odds, but that something greater than me is at work. "And I feel all of your pain, and I see all of your tears. Fear not my child" 

And somehow, I know this to be true, that everything is happening in perfect timing. I feel that there is a greater power at work in my life, that my highest and best good is forthcoming. That allows me to breathe...to finally feel just a little bit of relief. "For I am with you always.  I know how to take care of, what belongs to me"

And I find Peace...

It is better to have loved and lost...

I always thought I understood this saying, but I never did, until I finally lived the meaning of it. I can honestly say that it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved Mateo at all...I also understand the song "The Dance" by Garth Brooks more than I ever have before.

It is funny how years of love songs come running through your memory when you lose your baby, and you realize that almost all of the words are able to be related to the loss of a child. "I will always love you", "From now until forever", "There are more than angels watching over me, I believe", "One more day, one more time, one more sunset, maybe I'd be satisfied, but then again, I know what it would do, leave me wishing still for one more day with you", "I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance"

No matter what, there will always be an empty spot in me, until I am reunited with you...I really will always love you...Rest in Peace my sweet angel Mateito.

As this year comes to a close...

It somehow makes me sad that it will no longer be the year I last held you, or kissed you. I won't be as close in time to the last time I held you alive inside of me. My heart still aches without you...and as blessed as I feel with your little siblings growing inside of me, I cannot help but wish all of my babies could be here with me.

While I am sad to be moving into a new year without you, I am also relieved to be able to leave the year of the most pain I have ever felt behind me. I am grateful to have learned so much, and to have lived so much, even with the sadness that came with it. I am also grateful to have to opportunity for a new beginning and a better outcome with the new adventure I am undertaking.

So as I sit an reflect on what I lost and gained this year, I also stop to remind myself that everything is reciprocal. Each lesson I learned and shared, gave someone else the chance to learn something as well...and I am grateful to have been a blessing this year as well.

So happy new year...here's to something happier...for me. For you, I can't imagine anything happier than singing with angels. I love you.

Merry Christmas...

Mateo, I just want you to know that with all the hustle and bustle of the season I have not forgotten you...I still think about you every moment, and wish you were here with me. I know that you are here with me and watching over me always. I love you forever and know that you are celebrating Christmas in Heaven.

Merry Christmas little one...fly high my angel.

Christmas is bringing up a lot of emotions...

I am struck with the overwhelming thought that there is someone missing in my home. I should have a little boy who is 6 1/2 months old and crawling around on my floor and trying to pull the Christmas tree over on himself...I should be introducing sold foods and making memories and videos and sharing pictures of funny faces...

I have to stop myself from getting angry, because anger is the hardest emotion I face...anger that this happened...anger that I couldn't and still can't change it...

This season is about love, and peace...and those are the things I try to emulate, not just this season but always. I try to remember that love is more powerful than anger. Love connects me to my son, it binds us forever.

This Christmas I just want to tell Mateo how much I love him...and always will.

Mommy will always remember you, and honor you. You are forever our son, our 2nd child. My precious little angel. Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Life isn't fair...

My mother used to tell me this all the time when I was growing up. Usually because I was upset that I couldn't go to a friends house, or I was being grounded for doing something I was specifically told not to. However, this life lesson is true about a lot of things. The thing is, that life isn't always fair, but we were never promised that.

Things happen all the time that suck, some of them seem little, like not being able to find a parking spot or being stuck in traffic that makes you ten minutes late. Other times it is something that you don't even know how to live through, and there are thousands of things in between.

The problem is, that sometimes we think that there is someone out there choosing every direction our lives go. The problem with that is that it feels wonderful when the things that happen are good, but to think that someone makes the choices to have things go bad is horrible.

My opinion? Sometimes the rain just falls. There is a Christian song from years ago that I always loved and it says:

And the rain falls on the good and bad, doesn't matter what you did, doesn't matter what you have
And the rain falls on the rich and poor, we don't know the reasons for the ways of Lord.

Sometimes things just happen, and it sucks. Every day I wish I could have a different story, but I don't. I have questioned so many times, "What did I do to deserve this?" I have been a good person, I haven't been perfect, but I couldn't believe I could deserve this horrible pain and suffering. And the answer to my question is nothing, no one is punishing me for anything. It was a fluke accident...it could have happened to the person who gave birth before me or the person laboring in the other room...it just rained...because life isn't always fair, or just. No one is out there making sure that each person only gets what they deserve...it doesn't work like that. Life on earth is full of happenings, and choices and boulders...we are all just doing the best we can with what is in front of us.

Life isn't fair, but it isn't out to get me either...everyday is hope for something better...

Take a moment...

What a beautiful life we live...every morning the sun rises and blesses the earth with it's light. We breathe the fresh air, move our bodies to the rhythm of the earth and interact with others on our journey. We don't usually stop to take the time to think about what we are doing exactly in each moment...our minds are usually on things we must accomplish, our to-do lists, or things we must buy. We also spend an uncanny amount of time thinking about the past...what others have done to us, what we have done to others...what others have done to others...it is amazing how much mental energy we put into what has already been over and done with.

But, how often do we really stop, and take a pause to look at what is happening in this moment. Do we ever stop and take the time to think about all that we have, all that we are and all that we are contributing to the world.

In this moment, for instance, I don't need anything. I have a full stomach, I am warm, I am healthy and I have a roof over my head. Of course, I will need to think about the future and what I need to plan to continue to have these things, but in this moment I don't have to do anything. I can be grateful right now, for all I have, and all that is continuing to come into my life.

Right now, I have more to be grateful, than to be sorry for. All I have is this moment...I am not ever promised another one, and what happened a moment ago is set in stone...and done. This moment is the gift...as they say...that is why it is called the PRESENT!

So today, I will live in the moment. I will not be afraid of what may happen tomorrow, or live in the things of the past that I cannot change. Right now, in this moment, I am just grateful...all I have, is gratitude.