Where the strength comes from...

So, I was thinking at 3:00 am when I was up with my daughter as she was sick all night long...where does our strength as parents come from? Being a parent is not easy, it can be very hard...but at the end of the day or even when the day just keeps on going...it is all worth it.

Starting in pregnancy, when the first few months are crazy, especially if you have really bad morning sickness, some days you wonder where you will get the strength. You are so tired you can barely keep your head up, you laugh one second and then cry the next, and you are so bloated you can't fit into anything you own...And then, at an ultrasound one day, you see a little heart beating, and you see an outline of a little baby form, and all of a sudden, you realize that you would literally give your life for this perfect little one that is growing inside of you. It gives you the strength to get through anything.

Then during labor, even when you think you can't go on, you find the strength to give life to this child of yours...to push even when you don't know if you can...and that moment that you see your child for the first time, you realize that every moment of pain you will ever experience for the rest of your life, is okay...as long as this little baby is healthy and happy.

So, where do you find the strength, during the times it is not beautiful, or when it is just downright painful? I often wonder where I got the strength to push, knowing that Mateo wasn't alive...that I wasn't bringing him into this world to live, but rather, to say goodbye. Where did I find the strength to do all those things I felt like I shouldn't have had to do in the first place? And then, the question a lot of people have asked, although not asked to me directly, why did I still push him out, when it would have been so easy to have a c-section and just get it over with? Why did I go through 7 more hours of labor and 2 and a half hours of pushing, when I could have had a reprieve from my at least some of my pain and suffering?

I did it for the same reasons, I did it out of love. I promised my son the most peaceful birth I could give him. I promised him I would always do what was best for him. The freak accident that happened to cause his death, didn't let me out of my end of the deal. I wanted to fulfill my end of that promise, and give him his birth. These two events were actually separate events...one was the death of my child, and the other was his birth...they just happened in the wrong order.

So, back to my sick little girl in the middle of the night. About 5:30am we were up again with her. I looked into her eyes, and said to her, "Maya, I am so sorry you are not feeling better." and she put her hand on my cheek and said to me, "It's okay mama, some days, we just don't feel better."

That was the moment, that reminded me, that this pure love, that perfect connection...it is worth every second of the pain. And I would do it all again, all of it, out of love...the strongest love I have ever felt. The love of a mother, for her children.

Singing always heals my soul...

So, I sang with some friends tonight. We did a benefit concert for the wonderful organization called One True Love...

I realized that singing really heals my soul...it reminds me what I am here for and helps me put things in perspective. I even saw a little baby, and started to get sad, and I reminded myself that today was not about what I don't have...today was about what I do have, and what I have to give.

So here are my thoughts on Love, since that is what the theme of the night was.

Love is the answer to every question, and here is why:

Love would never allow anyone to be hungry, or homeless.
Love would never allow war, or hatred, or needless suffering, of any living thing.
Love would never allow people to be lonely.
Love would never allow abuse, or murder.
Love would never allow unforgivness, sorrow, shame or guilt.
Love would never allow poverty, inequality, discrimination or untruth.
Love would never allow intolerance, in any form.

When we come from a place of Love, all we can do is good in the world. All we can be is positive, and all we can see is love. True, pure, perfect, unconditional Love really is the answer to any question.

If we could all come from this place for just 5 minutes a day...True Love, to ourselves and to everything else that exists, the whole wide world, would know peace.

We are all One...I think this is the meaning of One True Love...To realize our connection to each other, realize our connection to all living things and to our planet, and just feel the love.

Haven't been around much...

I have been really down the last couple of days, and I haven't really known how to put it into words. I guess I still don't. I am seeing a counselor here in Maricopa, which is helping, but this week I have just been so emotional and anxious.

I feel like this journey is about only taking on what I can handle, and then, once I am feeling better, another wave of sadness comes over me that I must grieve again. I know that from the outside, it must be hard to imagine what kind of pain this is...but somehow it makes me question everything about myself. There is a level of blame and guilt that no amount of reality can shake. In my saddest moments, I feel completely lost, and yet at the same time, I know that somehow everything will be okay.

They say that time heals...but sometimes time is just a reminder that nothing will change. I will always have a son who didn't live...and there will always be a time when I need to grieve it all over again. I have grieved many things...the loss of a friend, the loss of my grandmother, the loss of pets and the loss of loves in my life...none have hurt as badly or gone as deeply as this.

There are moments when hope is hard to find, and maybe some moments are just meant to be grieved...for what was lost, for what might have been.

They say it is always darkest before the dawn...today I hope that it is true.

New Babies

So, I am seeing a counselor now, and at my appointment this week he asked me to think about the idea of "New Babies" and what they mean to me...so I thought I would share a blog post.

For me, new babies are hope. They are the perfect idea of miracles, and love and absolute perfection bundled into soft, sweet smelling skin, and cuddly cuteness. They remind me that life is precious and that there is still good in the world. Because if there wasn't, those little bundles of joy wouldn't exist.

Some may say, "Isn't it hard to see babies and be around them, knowing that you are on the losing end?", and maybe for a moment, I am sad about all that I have lost...but then I look into those little eyes, and I melt. There is such a beautiful innocence...this child has never known suffering (I hope), has never known loss or utter desperation. This baby has a clean slate, a world of possibilities, and an endless supply of love.

And then, in that moment, I am reminded that even though bad things happen, look at all of the wonderful things that out number them. Life really is good...

I know this is what my little Mateo would want me to remember...and so in remembering, I honor him.

Perspective

So, I have really had to work hard to find perspective lately in the realm of stillbirth. I realized that when you read so many bad stories, and hear so many sad endings, you forget that even though stillbirth is not as rare as we once believed, it is also not the norm.

Every time I find out someone is pregnant I cringe, and then I pray and hope for a happy ending. Now, I am sure that there is nothing wrong with wanting a happy ending, but I realize that I keep assuming the worst, because I now know what the worst is. The thing is, that life is such a miracle, because the chances of something happening are low. Just because something can go wrong, doesn't mean that it will.

It is very hard for me, being a statistic, and experiencing the worst scenario, to remember that fear is not always necessary...this is the reason every doctor doesn't worry constantly about each patient, and the reason that every pregnant woman is not in tears always about every possible problem...because chances are, everything will be just fine.

Does that mean we should take chances with our health? No, but making informed decisions, and doing our best is usually all that is necessary to ensure a positive outcome.

Sometimes, things still go wrong. I am living proof, that you can do everything right, and still not have a happy ending, but that is how life works. We never know what will happen, and we can't live all of our lives afraid. (I also know that sometimes it is someone else's fault that things happen, that is a different situation.)

So I have to remember to look at the big picture, and give myself a healthy dose of perspective.

Birth and Death are two separate events...

I have been thinking about this a lot...since Mateo's Memorial service actually. Rev. Michele read some of the poem "The Dash", which I had concerns about having read at the service. This poem talks about someone who speaks at a funeral referring to the dates on the tombstone of a friend, and says that the dates are not what matters most, but the dash between them. Reverend Michele stopped there and said that for Mateo, it seems that there is no dash, actually on his tombstone, there is only one date, but that just because he had never taken a breath of air does not mean that he didn't live.

He did live, for 41 full weeks. He kicked and turned, and punched and elbowed me...we would watch him suck him hand and kick his little legs at our Ultrasounds. He practiced his breathing and grew every day to be able to be able to continue to survive in this world, but him only living in the womb, didn't make him any less ALIVE.

I am pointing this out because there are always two events that are major in our lives. One is birth, we have all experienced it, from one side or another. It is a miracle that we are alive. We not only survived throughout the entire pregnancy of our mothers, we also survived birth, and every hazard that this world presented us with. Whether you believe in God, or not, it is still a miracle that we are here. Look at all the things that are against us everyday...and everyday, we wake up breathing...

And then there is death...this completely mysterious thing that so many fear all of their lives. That fear can be all encompassing, yes, there are those that cannot live for fear of death. And, then others work through that fear and live our passions and our lives with wild abandon. But, the majority of people live somewhere in the middle...afraid of death, but not really comfortable with it. They know that bad things happen, but when they do, they don't know what to say or how to deal with it. They feel bad, but they don't want to think to hard or long about that fact that those things could happen to them.

We are so afraid of death, because with the theories and all the ideas about death that we have...we really don't understand it at all. We hope that there is something out there, and want to always think that our loved ones are watching out for us. I do believe that they are, but everyone believes something different.

We struggle so much with these life events, but really they are the same. You can't have one without the other, and once you experience the first one, it is just a countdown to the second.

So what do you do with your countdown, with your dash? Have you let your fear, and your doubt, keep you from living the life that you want? I have...there was a time when I was so afraid of dying that I was frozen in fear. But every death of a loved one that I experience, somehow helps me step out a little more. I don't know how much I have here. It could be a year, or it could be 40 more. Today I will live my life with wild abandon...I will love more, and give more. Because when I do die, I want my legacy to be love...

I am not afraid anymore...I know that I am loved here, and I have so much love waiting for me there...that there is nothing left to be afraid of.

Stillbirth makes me feel like a loser...

I hate to say it is such simple terms...but there are a lot of thoughts that I am broken...I know that those thoughts are irrational, but that doesn't stop me from having them. I have even had thoughts that my son thought I was going to be a bad mom, so he left me. Especially since I have my own abandonment issues, this kind of thing brings up all sorts of emotions. I know that these things are ridiculous, but part of me still fears that they are true. Is this God's way of telling me I am a bad mother and I deserve any more children? Is this proof that I am a good mother to a daughter, but a bad mother to a son? Maybe my body can only carry girls to full term...somehow boys are not the same and my body is broken in that sense? I even thought for a few minutes right after it happened, that it was punishment for not paying my tithes....I kept thinking, "What thing could I have done, that was so bad, that I deserved this?"

Trying to find a why, and not finding one can be very hard. Especially since we all want to know why. "Your baby is perfect, and your body is perfect, and there wasn't anything wrong...oh, except your baby isn't alive." Doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. If he had a disorder, or some sort of growth issue, or a disease no one knew about...but "nothing" is so hard to take. It is also sometimes hard to stay away from jealousy..."Why do other people get happy endings, but somehow, I don't"

This is where I try very hard to distinguish between grief, and victim-hood. I am allowed to be sad, but allowing my grief to make me a victim, will only make me feel worse, and it will make other people not want to continue to support me. I think there is a huge difference between coming to terms with something, and not allowing yourself to move on. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone grieves differently, and only I know what this place is for me...but I really want to make sure I stay on this side of the fence, if you know what I mean?

I have had to make sure that I don't keep Mateo's things in front of me all the time, I have his picture and his bear on a shelf in my closet, but I don't keep them prominent in my room or in my living room. It isn't that I want to forget him, I never could, but I know that if I force myself to look at his photo everyday, or to see his baby things, I won't be able to keep going. I try very hard to allow myself certain times to think of him and what happened, so that I don't just lose it at inopportune times. (Although that always can't be helped) I know that this sounds like I am managing my pain and grief, and in a way I am. I need to keep going and be a mom to Maya and keep doing what I need to do, and so I try to give myself what I need, without thinking about it all the time, so that I don't get lost in it.

The hardest thing for me now is the anger...I have gotten more angry as time goes on. I am starting counseling so that I can talk about a lot of this, and see if I can't let go of some of this anger as well...I hope that helps.

So this is my life right now...what I am going through and thinking...tomorrow will be a new day, with new feelings and we will see what those are when the sun comes up again. Everyday is a different adventure.

Until then...