I hate to say it is such simple terms...but there are a lot of thoughts that I am broken...I know that those thoughts are irrational, but that doesn't stop me from having them. I have even had thoughts that my son thought I was going to be a bad mom, so he left me. Especially since I have my own abandonment issues, this kind of thing brings up all sorts of emotions. I know that these things are ridiculous, but part of me still fears that they are true. Is this God's way of telling me I am a bad mother and I deserve any more children? Is this proof that I am a good mother to a daughter, but a bad mother to a son? Maybe my body can only carry girls to full term...somehow boys are not the same and my body is broken in that sense? I even thought for a few minutes right after it happened, that it was punishment for not paying my tithes....I kept thinking, "What thing could I have done, that was so bad, that I deserved this?"
Trying to find a why, and not finding one can be very hard. Especially since we all want to know why. "Your baby is perfect, and your body is perfect, and there wasn't anything wrong...oh, except your baby isn't alive." Doesn't make me feel any better. It makes me feel worse. If he had a disorder, or some sort of growth issue, or a disease no one knew about...but "nothing" is so hard to take. It is also sometimes hard to stay away from jealousy..."Why do other people get happy endings, but somehow, I don't"
This is where I try very hard to distinguish between grief, and victim-hood. I am allowed to be sad, but allowing my grief to make me a victim, will only make me feel worse, and it will make other people not want to continue to support me. I think there is a huge difference between coming to terms with something, and not allowing yourself to move on. Now, don't get me wrong, everyone grieves differently, and only I know what this place is for me...but I really want to make sure I stay on this side of the fence, if you know what I mean?
I have had to make sure that I don't keep Mateo's things in front of me all the time, I have his picture and his bear on a shelf in my closet, but I don't keep them prominent in my room or in my living room. It isn't that I want to forget him, I never could, but I know that if I force myself to look at his photo everyday, or to see his baby things, I won't be able to keep going. I try very hard to allow myself certain times to think of him and what happened, so that I don't just lose it at inopportune times. (Although that always can't be helped) I know that this sounds like I am managing my pain and grief, and in a way I am. I need to keep going and be a mom to Maya and keep doing what I need to do, and so I try to give myself what I need, without thinking about it all the time, so that I don't get lost in it.
The hardest thing for me now is the anger...I have gotten more angry as time goes on. I am starting counseling so that I can talk about a lot of this, and see if I can't let go of some of this anger as well...I hope that helps.
So this is my life right now...what I am going through and thinking...tomorrow will be a new day, with new feelings and we will see what those are when the sun comes up again. Everyday is a different adventure.
Until then...
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