I have been really down the last couple of days, and I haven't really known how to put it into words. I guess I still don't. I am seeing a counselor here in Maricopa, which is helping, but this week I have just been so emotional and anxious.
I feel like this journey is about only taking on what I can handle, and then, once I am feeling better, another wave of sadness comes over me that I must grieve again. I know that from the outside, it must be hard to imagine what kind of pain this is...but somehow it makes me question everything about myself. There is a level of blame and guilt that no amount of reality can shake. In my saddest moments, I feel completely lost, and yet at the same time, I know that somehow everything will be okay.
They say that time heals...but sometimes time is just a reminder that nothing will change. I will always have a son who didn't live...and there will always be a time when I need to grieve it all over again. I have grieved many things...the loss of a friend, the loss of my grandmother, the loss of pets and the loss of loves in my life...none have hurt as badly or gone as deeply as this.
There are moments when hope is hard to find, and maybe some moments are just meant to be grieved...for what was lost, for what might have been.
They say it is always darkest before the dawn...today I hope that it is true.
Just a quick note to let you know that i read almost all your posts and they make me feel close to you and feel your pain. You are a brave woman Cerise. Life is all about ups and downs so lets just be patient and confident until these days get a bit better. Lots of love. Ximena Sierralta
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