What do you expect...

I sometimes get the feeling that people are upset with me because I am doing "too" well...like I should be greiving more, or crying more. Sometimes I feel that myself as well. I sometimes feel guilty because I don't cry every moment, or even every day, because maybe that means that I love my child less because I can smile, or even laugh. Then I remind myself that I have grieved enough to learn how to accept more than most. I have seen such pain before, and that gives me a sort of advantage. Not to grieve faster, or to heal better, or even to be stronger...but to know without doubt what I believe. And that brings me such comfort, that I don't need to be as sad.

I believe that there is no death, that life is forever, and eternal. That Mateo is here with me all the time, and that the love that we have has no end. Every new life, and every raindrop and every sunrise reminds me of the beauty of life and that this human body is so fragile, that I must live every day to the fullest, because I never know when this journey will be up. I believe that every being has a beautiful purpose here, to love and to be loved and that when that journey is over, we go to be with our creator. I have such faith. There is no need to be afraid.

I know that you can't see me cry, but I do. And every moment of every day, I miss my baby. I will never stop, I will always feel like a part of me, of my family is missing here on earth. But I also know that I have this beautiful being watching and waiting for me. And there is peace in that.

If I seem to do better than you expect, then know that my healing is working and my beliefs are strong, and just send love. There is no right or wrong way to grieve...there is no time limit, and no one is better at grieving than another. Some people can't function for months or years, and there is nothing wrong with that, that is the way they process what happened. I am still grieving and I will be for a long time. My grieving just looks different than others.

"On the other side of right, and wrong, there is a field...I will meet you there." Rumi