Moving through....

So my journey continues...I am noticing that I don't cry every day anymore. I have so many more good days...I still sometimes feel guilty about that, but I am allowing myself to feel what I feel. I laugh, and play, and have fun and know that although I miss by little boy everyday, I am allowed to live... I often think of the line from "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" where the mother says to her daughter "I gave you life, so you would live it."

I also talk a lot about Mateo, and now have his picture up in my bedroom. I look at him everyday and kiss him, I have his little bear and little keepsakes there with him, and my amazing friend Stephanie, made him a little hat...it is hanging from the photo frame. It feels good to have his place there, since his grave is so very far away.

I am so grateful for those people who talk about him with me, and ask me questions. It feels nice to know that other people want to know what they can about him. It doesn't hurt me to hear his name...I never want to be afraid to say it. If someone asks me how many children I have, I tell them that I have one with me and another waiting for me on the other side. I don't want to be ashamed to mention him...death is taboo, especially infant death...I won't live with that...he is my son, and I am so proud to have been his mommy.

I hope no one worries too much about me, I am really doing so well. I still cry sometimes, but it is healing to cry...it is cleansing to cry. I always feel a little better afterward.

I am going to sing this weekend, for the first real time publicly, and I know that I will be singing for him...now, everything I do, is in some way for him. So if you are there, know that while I sing to you, I will also be singing to the heavens, and hopefully those worlds can meet for a moment and we will all be sitting together in the light.

Blessings,

Cerise