Today is a day of reflection for me, as I clean house, by myself....I always have time to remember and try to make sense out of the death of my little boy. I have so many little phrases that come up, "Everything happens for a reason", "Now I have a little angel always watching over me", "We don't know the reasons for the ways of the Lord"...but some days none of this brings me comfort. No matter what hopeful saying can come to mind, the human/mother part of me, sometimes just misses my son, and wishes that things were different.
I have many friends who are pregnant or have newborn babies. I want you to know that my sadness for me, doesn't mean I am not happy for you. I don't want you to be afraid of hurting my feelings, and I don't want you not to brag about your little one...seeing your baby still makes me happy, seeing your pregnant tummy reminds me that life is still a miracle, and knowing that your baby is healthy, reminds me that there is still hope for the future.
As I set out on a road that I hope will lead me to become a Birth Doula, I am going to be faced with many situations that will bring up things for me that may hurt, and remind me of what I don't have. But, they will also remind me that life goes on, and love finds a way. I believe in life, and I believe in love. I believe in the process and power of a woman to give birth to her children and I hope that my experiences bring me strength, hope and the power to be of support to other women through their personal process of bringing their children into this world.
And though you may sometimes see me cry, know that whatever sadness you see in my eyes, is overpowered by love.
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