Another beautiful birth...

I am writing this because early this morning, a baby that has been waited for and hoped for was born peacefully to her mother and father...and I am so happy!

I cried, but not out of sadness. I cried because every time there is a healthy, uncomplicated, beautiful birth...I am reminded that what happened to us is not the norm, that there is definitely hope for the future. It reminds me that a woman's body does know what it is doing and was designed for this purpose and that just because something can go wrong, doesn't mean that it will.

I know that because of my circumstances, I am more aware of the problems that can happen, and the sad outcomes that are possible...but it also makes me more aware of all of the positive outcomes and all the joy that is possible as well, and I have faith, that someday, I will again experience that side of the coin.

Love,

Cerise

Another day, another chance to see the miracles...

It's funny, when I was a little girl, I didn't really believe in miracles...I thought that life just happened and there was nothing really great about it. Then as a teenager, as a Christian I started to see miracles in a different way, but never really thought they happened to me.

Now, as an adult and with the experiences that I have had, I realize the miracles are happening everyday. The miracle of the the sun shining down on us, just close enough to keep us warm, yet just far enough away to keep from burning us up. The miracle of how our bodies know just how to run, our hearts beating, our blood pumping, our brains functioning perfectly, so that we can go about as if nothing is happening at all. How life itself, the process of conception, and birth are so miraculous...

The little things are miracles too, my little girl smiling at me in the morning, my husband who adores me, and who I adore, being by my side...how did we meet so perfectly and happen to be perfect for each other. Butterflies, birds, sunrise, the waves on the ocean...these are all miraculous...

It is easy to get caught up in life, and I am by no means trying to say that life doesn't suck sometimes, but life is beautiful too...and if you don't look at the good with the bad, you can get lost in the bad. I am not happy that some of my experiences have been so sad, but I know that I can't change them, and being able to look at the good around me, saves me from going to the darkest places and reminds me that tomorrow is a new day.

Everyone knows sadness, we all know silent desperation...we all know grief, it is different for everyone, but we know it well...we've all been in what we would call "Hell"...and it is not easy to come out of it, but it is still a choice what side we take. We can choose to walk in the mud and muck and complain, or we can step up on to the road, knowing the muck is there, and also knowing that we have chosen to rise above it and walk toward the light.

Being sad for me, doesn't mean I am not happy for you...

Today is a day of reflection for me, as I clean house, by myself....I always have time to remember and try to make sense out of the death of my little boy. I have so many little phrases that come up, "Everything happens for a reason", "Now I have a little angel always watching over me", "We don't know the reasons for the ways of the Lord"...but some days none of this brings me comfort. No matter what hopeful saying can come to mind, the human/mother part of me, sometimes just misses my son, and wishes that things were different.

I have many friends who are pregnant or have newborn babies. I want you to know that my sadness for me, doesn't mean I am not happy for you. I don't want you to be afraid of hurting my feelings, and I don't want you not to brag about your little one...seeing your baby still makes me happy, seeing your pregnant tummy reminds me that life is still a miracle, and knowing that your baby is healthy, reminds me that there is still hope for the future.

As I set out on a road that I hope will lead me to become a Birth Doula, I am going to be faced with many situations that will bring up things for me that may hurt, and remind me of what I don't have. But, they will also remind me that life goes on, and love finds a way. I believe in life, and I believe in love. I believe in the process and power of a woman to give birth to her children and I hope that my experiences bring me strength, hope and the power to be of support to other women through their personal process of bringing their children into this world.

And though you may sometimes see me cry, know that whatever sadness you see in my eyes, is overpowered by love.

15 weeks...and counting

And what have I learned?

I have learned that in life, there are no promises, and no guarantees. All we have is today, this moment, nothing more...if we don't do today what we are meant to do, be what we are meant to be, we may never get the chance. This is not cruel, it just is.

I have learned that especially when you feel the most alone, you are not...and that when you live your life in service to others, the love you give is returned a hundred fold, when you need it the most.

I have learned that love, is the greatest, most powerful thing that exists in the universe. It is bigger than life, and bigger than death...it overcomes, it goes on, and it heals even when the cut is unbearably deep.

I have learned that you can't change the past, even if you think of it always, and dream about a different outcome. What is done, is done. This, again, is not cruel, it just is.

I have learned that life does go on, my life, the life of those around me, the life of my son, the world keeps moving, and so must I...and on the days when it is the hardest, I am sent angels to help me make it through.

I have learned that not everything someone SAYS, is useful to me, but when I focus on the intention, I am always comforted.

I have learned that there are those who have no sympathy, who have nothing but hatred in them, and to those people I send only love...for what more can heal the world but Love?

I have learned that through our saddest and lowest moments, bonds and friendships are sometimes formed and strengthened. That there is a sisterhood now, with those who have felt this pain, and we are all stronger for the knowing that we are not the only ones who have felt this.

I have learned that children know more that anyone ever gives them credit for, and they are more resilient also. I have realized that some of my most honest and purely loving support, comes from my 3 year old.

I have learned that I can get through this, I can go on, and that I will be okay...

I am still grateful, and I have learned that this gratitude continues to grow every day.

In Honor of Stillbirth Remembrance Day...

Today, in honor of a day set aside to remember babies who were born still, I am remembering so many babies close to my heart. Not just those who were born still, but all those babies who are gone too soon. I know many people have shared the loss of their child with me, and whatever the cause or situation, I want you to know that your angel is in my heart. I hope with all my heart that our babies are all in heaven playing together, and watching over us.

Sending love today and always...

Cerise

Maya asked me today...

If her little brother was still in my tummy...I told her no...her brother is a little angel...and she just looked at me.

It is true that forever I will miss my little boy, and that no other child will ever replace him...and I want to always honor him in whatever way I can. We planned his memorial service last night and it is beautiful. It feels like exactly what we want to honor him with. I am so proud of my husband and grateful for him...he is such a support for me...I am so lucky to have such an amazing man.

I just know that the memorial service will remember him and honor him well and am grateful for all those who are participating in that event, and all who will attend.

Blessings to all of you...