Merry Christmas...

Mateo, I just want you to know that with all the hustle and bustle of the season I have not forgotten you...I still think about you every moment, and wish you were here with me. I know that you are here with me and watching over me always. I love you forever and know that you are celebrating Christmas in Heaven.

Merry Christmas little one...fly high my angel.

Christmas is bringing up a lot of emotions...

I am struck with the overwhelming thought that there is someone missing in my home. I should have a little boy who is 6 1/2 months old and crawling around on my floor and trying to pull the Christmas tree over on himself...I should be introducing sold foods and making memories and videos and sharing pictures of funny faces...

I have to stop myself from getting angry, because anger is the hardest emotion I face...anger that this happened...anger that I couldn't and still can't change it...

This season is about love, and peace...and those are the things I try to emulate, not just this season but always. I try to remember that love is more powerful than anger. Love connects me to my son, it binds us forever.

This Christmas I just want to tell Mateo how much I love him...and always will.

Mommy will always remember you, and honor you. You are forever our son, our 2nd child. My precious little angel. Sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Life isn't fair...

My mother used to tell me this all the time when I was growing up. Usually because I was upset that I couldn't go to a friends house, or I was being grounded for doing something I was specifically told not to. However, this life lesson is true about a lot of things. The thing is, that life isn't always fair, but we were never promised that.

Things happen all the time that suck, some of them seem little, like not being able to find a parking spot or being stuck in traffic that makes you ten minutes late. Other times it is something that you don't even know how to live through, and there are thousands of things in between.

The problem is, that sometimes we think that there is someone out there choosing every direction our lives go. The problem with that is that it feels wonderful when the things that happen are good, but to think that someone makes the choices to have things go bad is horrible.

My opinion? Sometimes the rain just falls. There is a Christian song from years ago that I always loved and it says:

And the rain falls on the good and bad, doesn't matter what you did, doesn't matter what you have
And the rain falls on the rich and poor, we don't know the reasons for the ways of Lord.

Sometimes things just happen, and it sucks. Every day I wish I could have a different story, but I don't. I have questioned so many times, "What did I do to deserve this?" I have been a good person, I haven't been perfect, but I couldn't believe I could deserve this horrible pain and suffering. And the answer to my question is nothing, no one is punishing me for anything. It was a fluke accident...it could have happened to the person who gave birth before me or the person laboring in the other room...it just rained...because life isn't always fair, or just. No one is out there making sure that each person only gets what they deserve...it doesn't work like that. Life on earth is full of happenings, and choices and boulders...we are all just doing the best we can with what is in front of us.

Life isn't fair, but it isn't out to get me either...everyday is hope for something better...

Take a moment...

What a beautiful life we live...every morning the sun rises and blesses the earth with it's light. We breathe the fresh air, move our bodies to the rhythm of the earth and interact with others on our journey. We don't usually stop to take the time to think about what we are doing exactly in each moment...our minds are usually on things we must accomplish, our to-do lists, or things we must buy. We also spend an uncanny amount of time thinking about the past...what others have done to us, what we have done to others...what others have done to others...it is amazing how much mental energy we put into what has already been over and done with.

But, how often do we really stop, and take a pause to look at what is happening in this moment. Do we ever stop and take the time to think about all that we have, all that we are and all that we are contributing to the world.

In this moment, for instance, I don't need anything. I have a full stomach, I am warm, I am healthy and I have a roof over my head. Of course, I will need to think about the future and what I need to plan to continue to have these things, but in this moment I don't have to do anything. I can be grateful right now, for all I have, and all that is continuing to come into my life.

Right now, I have more to be grateful, than to be sorry for. All I have is this moment...I am not ever promised another one, and what happened a moment ago is set in stone...and done. This moment is the gift...as they say...that is why it is called the PRESENT!

So today, I will live in the moment. I will not be afraid of what may happen tomorrow, or live in the things of the past that I cannot change. Right now, in this moment, I am just grateful...all I have, is gratitude.

Everyone said the holidays would be hard...

But they weren't so bad. I did have my moments, thinking I really should have had an extra little mouth to feed and a little boy to hold(Who would be almost 6 months now), but I just kept reminding myself that this is my story, my path.

I did purchase some little battery operated tea lights, and I have one sitting in front of Mateo's picture in my closet. I turn it on when I wake up in the morning, and I tell him good morning. And then I turn it off when I go to bed, and I tell him good night. It has become a little ritual and I am really connecting more by doing it.

I don't know if I shared the story of the tea light candle during my labor, so I thought I would share it now. My labor started at 7pm, so I labored all night. Just after midnight, we lit the candle and put it in a "Holding Hand's" Candle holder. That candle burned all night long. I remember laboring all night, while trying to sleep, and that beautiful light was all there was. When we listened to his heartbeat in the morning, the sun was up, and there was no more need for the candle, so after listening to his perfect little heart, my doula blew it out. I commented that it was the longest I had ever seen a tea light burn...

The next time we tried to listen to his heartbeat, he was gone. But, I still have this beautiful memory of the candle burning all night long. Those were our last hours together, and remembering the candle holder and the light, reminds me that the light is really always burning, and we are always held, no matter the distance.

So it warms my heart to keep a candle there with what I have left of him, to always remind me of this.

I love you Mateito.

It is what it is...

I was really trying to write something about gratitude, given the Thanksgiving holiday approaching, but instead I am writing about acceptance.

I was at a therapy session recently and I was talking about my guilt and all of my "What ifs" and my therapist said to me, "One of the most powerful things that you can tell yourself is, It is, what it is. Living in the past won't change it, and beating yourself up won't change it, so you have to accept what it is."

I can sometimes spend hours thinking about what would have happened if Mateo didn't die. What he would look like now, at almost 6 months old. What he would sound like, what color his eyes would be. It makes me very sad when I go down that road, and this saying has helped me with that.

It doesn't take away my sadness, but it does help me to stay in the now. So when I start to travel the road of "What ifs", I just tell myself, "Cerise, it is what it is, it has already happened, it can't be changed".

Now, I have also learned how to do this in other areas of my life, my mistakes of the past, the hurts that others have caused, and the friendships that have come and gone. It reminds me that all I really have is this moment. So, I must make the best of it. So, in a way, I guess this post has something to do with gratitude.

Namaste

Life is about Pain

I recently attended a service where Brother Ishmael Tetteh was speaking, and he made this statement, he said "Life is all about pain. Do you agree?" Most people said no, life is not about pain...but he insisted that it was. He said, "The river never has a strait path to ocean...there are ups and downs, obstacles that it must go around. The rays of sun aren't there most spectacular, until the moment that the rain clouds come and then they pass through them, then they explode into a rainbow. Pain is the obstacle that you hit, that transforms you into your most amazing self."

I don't know if I agree with the statement that life is all about pain, but it is true, that struggle is an important part of the process. The butterfly must struggle out of its cocoon...there is fluid in the body of the butterfly, that while it is pushing out of the cocoon, spreads into its wings. The fluid would kill the butterfly if it stayed in the body, and the wings, without this fluid, would never be able to fly. And so, the butterfly must go through this tribulation, to be able to finish it's transformation.

Childbirth is no different, bringing life into this world is painful...the process of pushing a baby out is a struggle for the mother, and for the baby...but the process is put in place so that the mother and the baby benefit. All life, all transformation, comes out of some sort of struggle.

Now, I don't believe for a second, that there is a higher power putting these obstacles in our way. The obstacles are just there...things happen. The rain falls on the rich and the poor. It is what we do with those obstacles that shape us, that transform us. It is how we are changed that gives the experience value.

We could reach the boulder, and decide to stay...deciding not to go around, or up and over. Or we can even decide to turn back. We can stand at the boulder and yell, and scream and fight. We can blame everyone around us for the putting the boulder there...we can even yell at God..."How could you do this to me, how could you put this boulder in my path?" Or, we can see the boulder, realize that there is nothing that we can do about it, grieve for as long as we need to, and then make a path around it.

Our boulders can be many things, and some are much more painful than others...but that doesn't mean that we don't have a choice in how profound our transformation can be.

Namaste